Yehezkel Madanes - Union of Dissimilars. How to create a happy family not despite, but because of your differences. How to create a happy family not despite, but thanks to your differences The essence of Adizes’ theory

Published with permission from The Adizes Institute LLC and Sandermoen Business Management AG

Scientific editor Anna Chedia Sundermoen

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Introduction

I'm a management consultant. But in fact, the word “consultant” does not accurately reflect the nature of my work. I conduct organizational, or corporate, therapy.

The system of organizational therapy that I have been working on for over 40 years is described in 20 books published in 26 languages and thousands of pages of consultation notes. Thanks to the Adizes Institute, this methodology is used in companies everywhere. Now the Institute has branches in 10 countries around the world.

For many years that I have been working with hundreds of companies and thousands of managers, in their reviews clients tell me that they apply the Adizes methodology, which we taught them in consultations, and in family life. People note that it changes their relationship in the union for the better. Some even believe that she saved their marriage. We are talking about the usual difficulties of mutual understanding and everything that everyone faces in marriage, and not problems that result from personal psychological shortcomings that require professional intervention.

I was asked to write a book that would tell how to apply the Adizes methodology in family life. But, alas, I don’t have any time for this. I have worked hard for years advising large corporations and government leaders around the world. When was I supposed to write such a book?

As luck would have it, Yehezkel and Ruth Madanes became interested in my theory and asked permission to write a book on applying the PAEI Adizes leadership styles to the Enneagrams in which they specialize. I agreed, and their book was published and translated into three languages.

Then I learned that they not only teach how to use the Enneagram. They provide family and relationship training using this approach. “Why don’t you try to apply Adizes’ theory?” – I asked.

They really liked the idea. This is how this book was born.

Both Ezekiel and Ruth attended my lectures. They passed theoretical training on the application of the Adizes methodology, read all my books, and the accumulated material was used for the first draft of this work. I have made additions and corrections to the text where there was a lack of clarity. Without Ezekiel and Ruth, this book would not have been possible, and I am very grateful to them for their work.

The essence of Adizes' theory

Both organizations and families are essentially systems. For them successful work a number of conditions must be met. Firstly, you need to fulfill many responsibilities: take care of each other, take care of the house and children, provide the necessary income, etc. Secondly, discipline and rules are required in the family, otherwise there will be no order in it. The latter must change depending on the circumstances, since marriage is a choice for many years and must evolve over time to remain functional. Finally, unity and harmony should reign in the family, based on intimacy, mutual assistance and... love.

In the family, four roles need to be implemented to make all this possible: production of results (Production - P), administration (Administration - A), entrepreneurship (Enterpreneurship - E) and integration (Integration - I), in general PAEI. When one or more roles are not fulfilled, the marriage begins to lack something and is at risk of falling apart on the rocks.

All four PAEI roles cannot be fulfilled simultaneously, especially alone. Marriage is a complementary team, where one partner takes on some roles and the other takes on the remaining ones. This is why opposites attract.

The trouble is that when people with dissimilar behavioral styles live together, they have conflicts, sometimes turning into a destructive phase and leading to divorce. But sometimes such collisions help development and self-realization. It all depends on whether there is mutual respect and trust in the family.

In this book we will talk about mutual respect and trust and how to develop and nurture them in your family. We hope our work will not only captivate you, but also help strengthen your family.

Happy reading,

Isaac Adizes, Santa Barbara, California

Yehezkel and Ruth Madanes, Jerusalem, Israel

Part I. Modern marriages and families: the state of affairs

Chapter 1. The world has changed

“When I was little, I respected my father, he was an authority for me,” says Tomi, a 34-year-old specialist (married with two children). – Last word was always behind him. Growing up, I thought that one day it would be my turn. And now I’m a father myself, and they wipe their feet on me. I work my ass off, working hard all day, and come home in the evening and see no respect for myself - neither as a husband, nor as a father. No matter what you tell my wife, she's not okay. And if I behave like my father, she will say that I am a tyrant.”

Judy, Tomi's wife, is also deeply unhappy. “I remember my mother’s tears... always depressed... always pushed back. She had no vote. I don't want to live like her. I have my own job. I am a smart, educated woman. I have an opinion and I want it to be listened to. I'm not going to give up the right to decide for myself what to do in my home. And I not only want to be on an equal footing with my husband, I need him to take on household responsibilities. I also work every day - no less - than he does, and this is the minimum that I expect. Now everything is different. Husband and wife should share everything equally.”

What's going on? Relations between men and women have been turned upside down. There has been a catastrophic cultural shift. Change is happening at breakneck speed; it seems that there is not a single family left in the world that they have not touched. For thousands of years, traditional family roles seemed immutable. And suddenly the foundations were shaken and instability reached unprecedented levels. There is no longer any clarity. Suddenly it turned out that men and women are “people with different planets" There are courses, seminars and books - in fact, an entire industry, a culture growing like mushrooms after rain - designed to help people save their marriages in this chaos.

What kind of husband and father would you like to be? Like John Wayne - decisive and firm, a real master of the house, always deciding everything for everyone? If you have kids, they'd probably stare at you in bewilderment, like you're a stilted character from an old movie where men flaunt their toughness. And the wife might have said: “Darling, come on, think again and put this macho guy in your pocket or somewhere else.” No wonder men are confused. They no longer know how to behave. They are expected to be firm and supportive and at the same time sensitive and pliable. In the new culture, many women still want a provider nearby: skilled, tough, risk-taking, conforming to stereotypes of masculinity - but enhanced by some feminine qualities, able to listen, understand and accept. Tough but not dominant; firm but attentive, caring, loving, sensitive and gentle.

Published with permission from The Adizes Institute LLC and Sandermoen Business Management AG

Scientific editor Anna Chedia Sundermoen

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

* * *

Introduction

I'm a management consultant. But in fact, the word “consultant” does not accurately reflect the nature of my work. I conduct organizational, or corporate, therapy.

For many years that I have been working with hundreds of companies and thousands of managers, clients have told me in their reviews that they apply the Adizes methodology, which we taught them in consultations, in their family life. People note that it changes their relationship in the union for the better. Some even believe that she saved their marriage. We are talking about the usual difficulties of mutual understanding and everything that everyone faces in marriage, and not problems that lead to personal psychological shortcomings that require professional intervention.

Then I learned that they not only teach how to use the Enneagram. They provide family and relationship training using this approach. “Why don’t you try to apply Adizes’ theory?” – I asked.

They really liked the idea. This is how this book was born.

Both Ezekiel and Ruth attended my lectures. They received theoretical training in the application of the Adizes methodology, read all my books, and used the accumulated material for the first draft of this work. I have made additions and corrections to the text where there was a lack of clarity. Without Ezekiel and Ruth, this book would not have been possible, and I am very grateful to them for their work.

The essence of Adizes' theory

Both organizations and families are essentially systems. For their successful operation, a number of conditions must be met. Firstly, you need to fulfill many responsibilities: take care of each other, take care of the house and children, provide the necessary income, etc. Secondly, discipline and rules are required in the family, otherwise there will be no order in it. The latter must change depending on the circumstances, since marriage is a choice for many years and must evolve over time to remain functional. Finally, unity and harmony should reign in the family, based on intimacy, mutual assistance and... love.

In this book we will talk about mutual respect and trust and how to develop and nurture them in your family. We hope our work will not only captivate you, but also help strengthen your family.

Happy reading,
Isaac Adizes, Santa Barbara, California
Yehezkel and Ruth Madanes, Jerusalem, Israel

Part I. Modern marriages and families: the state of affairs

Chapter 1. The world has changed

“When I was little, I respected my father, he was an authority for me,” says Tomi, a 34-year-old specialist (married with two children). “He always had the last word.” Growing up, I thought that one day it would be my turn. And now I’m a father myself, and they wipe their feet on me. I work my ass off, working hard all day, and come home in the evening and see no respect for myself - neither as a husband, nor as a father. No matter what you tell my wife, she's not okay. And if I behave like my father, she will say that I am a tyrant.”

What's going on? Relations between men and women have been turned upside down. There has been a catastrophic cultural shift. Change is happening at breakneck speed; it seems that there is not a single family left in the world that they have not touched. For thousands of years, traditional family roles seemed immutable. And suddenly the foundations were shaken and instability reached unprecedented levels. There is no longer any clarity. Suddenly it turned out that men and women are “people from different planets.” There are courses, seminars and books - in fact, an entire industry, a culture growing like mushrooms after rain - designed to help people save their marriages in this chaos.

Relations between men and women have been turned upside down.

And the man, taking into account the new economic realities - the family budget, the ideas of equal contribution to the total income, everything that is inherent in the consumer mentality - expects that his wife will also become a breadwinner, will roll up her sleeves and increase income, while remaining gentle, caring and loving mother. He expects that when she returns home after a crazy day of work, she will be full of warmth, smiles, love, meekness and tolerance.

It is not surprising that under such new conditions of the game, when partners constantly exchange roles and power, and their demands on each other are constantly changing, more than half of families break up. People cannot adapt to change so quickly. As this book will make clear, change leads to conflict and problems. Once you deal with one disaster, the next wave of change comes, bringing new troubles and strife. What to do? You can't keep up with the pace of change. And your family is under threat. And who can put an end to the series of problems?

Due to this disaster, several myths have emerged that affect relationships. Here are collected those that affect modern couples most destructively.

Change leads to conflicts and problems.

1. Somewhere, the ideal prince or princess, the ideal soulmate, will certainly be waiting for us. We need to look further and not despair.

2. There are ideal unions, without disputes and strife, cloudless, eternally happy relationships.

3. Disputes in the home are bad.

4. Quarrels are a sign of incompatibility.

5. “If we quarrel, it’s better to break up.”

6. As a couple, you can continue to live as a single person.

7. The couple cannot solve internal problems on their own; outside help is needed.

8. People don't understand what the secret of success is. Are a good career, high income and luxury property enough to guarantee a happy marriage?

In the book we will question each of these myths. Let's start with the “ideal union without quarrels.”

Chapter 2. The myth of an ideal union without quarrels

Of all the stereotypes out there, the expectation that a marriage will always be happy and unanimity is perhaps the most common and destructive. For many decades, such illusions were imposed on us by cinema. And advertising picked it up and actively uses it.

If nothing human is alien to you, then you know that such moments are rare in marriage, and the honeymoon does not last forever. Over time, such “relaxed” outbursts of feelings happen less and less often. Sooner or later (more likely sooner) life takes its toll, and you have to face responsibilities. Affairs. Job. Money. Children. Stress. Changes. There are a lot of changes - internal and external.

Our dissimilarity with each other, which previously seemed so attractive, now becomes a source of eternal conflicts. Why? Because change means the arrival of something new. We need to do something about this, decide something. This is where individual behavioral styles come into play. For example, one of the partners strictly controls expenses, while the other spends money freely. One prefers a free schedule in everyday affairs, the other does everything strictly according to schedule. And so on (below we will take a deeper look at individual behavioral styles). We have to argue. Gradually, tension due to everyday affairs, irritated accusations, manifestations of hostility and quarrels occur more and more often, and less and less often the spouses feel like one whole.

We live in an era of disposable things.

People panic, feeling the inevitable conflict knocking on their door. A fleeting paradise suddenly changes eternal hell. The myth of cloudless family happiness is gradually – or even abruptly – collapsing. The dream is gone. We are living in a nightmare. The spouse no longer looks like “the one.” And he thinks: “What went wrong? What did I do wrong? Why didn’t I see this in her before?”

So what should we do about it now?

She goes to meet her friends. Here is a fragment of their conversation: “What? What did he say? And you still live with him? You deserve better. My dear, the world is full of men! Leave this idiot."

He meets with friends. “Why did she give herself up to you? It's good to suffer! You need to live to the fullest!”

Most of their friends are divorced or getting divorced, so they both think separation is in order. My grandson once came from kindergarten upset because everyone except him, in addition to dads and moms, also has stepmothers and stepfathers and, in addition, a double set of grandparents.

We live in an era of disposable things, and the idea of disposability has transferred to relationships between people. We eat from disposable plates. We drink from disposable glasses. Disposable wipes. Disposable life. Is your washing machine broken? Why spend money on repairs... throw it away, it’s cheaper to buy a new one. Famous Hollywood actor Charlie Sheen said this about his recent divorce in an interview with People magazine: “What if the car breaks down? Change!" (note he didn't say "Fix it!").

It seems the same logic now applies to our relationships with people. Did something go wrong? Does the person not meet our level of expectations from a partner? Dump him (or her). The partner becomes expendable, used while he serves, and then discarded and found “someone better.”

Conflict is normal and not always destructive.

Trying to live in the illusion that “cloudless feelings” are possible, we become involved in an endless series of relationships. As soon as they go bad, people tear them up. Quarrel is a nasty word. There shouldn't be any controversy. More and more often there are very young people who are already married for the second or third time. Not to mention celebrities, for whom getting married four or five times is absolutely normal. Why? Because, as we will show later, love must be earned, and modern culture the idea of making an effort always loses to the idea of personal comfort and ease of being.

The purpose of this book is to explain that conflict is normal and not always destructive. We will teach you how to make it constructive.

The Enneagram is a model for describing the structure of the human personality (according to some experts, pseudoscientific). Describes nine deep subconscious motives that influence people's worldview and behavior, and the corresponding nine personality types. Developed in the 1970s, based on the work of Oscar Ichazo and Claudio Naranjo. Note ed.

We are talking about the book From Stuckness to Growth: Executive Coaching. Published in Russian: Madanes I., Madanes R. From stagnation to growth. Unlock your leadership potential with the Enneagrams and the PAEI Adizes Management Style Code. M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2015.

About the book
Both organizations and families are systems. For the successful operation of the system that is marriage, the implementation of four roles is necessary. Firstly, fulfilling many responsibilities: taking care of each other, caring for the house and children, providing the income the family needs, etc.
Being a system, the family needs discipline and rules - otherwise there will be no order in it. The order must change depending on the circumstances, since marriage is a choice for many years, and over time, in order to remain functional, it must evolve. And finally, unity and harmony should reign in the family, based on intimacy, mutual assistance and... love.
So, four different roles must be implemented in the family in order for all these actions to become possible: Production (P), Administration (A), Entrepreneurship (E) and Integration (I), which make up the abbreviation PAEI. When one or more roles are not fulfilled, something will be missing in the marriage, and it risks breaking on the rocks.
All four PAEI roles cannot be combined with each other at the same time, and no one person can perform them alone at the same time. Thus, marriage is a complementary team, where one of the partners takes on one part of the roles, and the other takes on the rest. This explains why opposites attract.
The trouble is that when people with dissimilar behavioral styles come together, conflicts arise among them. The conflict can go into a destructive phase and lead to divorce. And it can help further development and self-realization. It depends on whether there is mutual respect and trust in the family.
This is a book about mutual respect and trust and how to develop and nurture them in your family.

From the foreword by Isaac Adizes
For many years that I have been working with hundreds of companies and thousands of managers, clients have told me in their reviews that they apply the Adizes methodology, which we taught them in consultations, in their family life. People note that it changes their family relationships for the better. Some even believe that she saved their marriage. I'm talking about the normal difficulties of mutual understanding and other things that everyone faces in marriage, and not problems that result from personal psychological shortcomings that require separate professional intervention.
I was asked to write a book about how Adizes' methodology applies to family life. The problem is that I don't have time for this at all. I have worked hard for years advising large corporations and government leaders around the world. When was I supposed to write a book like this?
As luck would have it, Yehezkel and Ruth Madanes became interested in my theory and asked permission to write a book on using the PAEI Adizes Guide style code for the Enneagrams, their own specialty. I agreed, and their book was published and translated into three languages.
Then I learned that they not only teach how to use the Enneagram. They conduct family and relationship training based on the Enneagram. “Why don’t you try to use Adizes’ theory in the same way?” - I asked them.
They really liked the idea, and that's how this book was born.

Who is this book for?
For everyone who wants to strengthen their family.

About the authors
Dr. Itzhak Calderon Adizes is one of the world's unsurpassed business consultants, a brilliant specialist in the field effective management business processes. Founder of the Adizes Institute, which is one of the top 10 consulting companies in the world. Branches of the Adizes Institute exist in 15 countries. Dr. Adizes is a scientific consultant for the Executive MBA and MBA programs of the IBDA, honorary doctor of the Russian Academy of Economy and civil service under the President of the Russian Federation.
Isaac Adizes has been leading his professional activity. During this time, he was a teacher at the University of California, Stanford and Jerusalem Universities, acted as a business consultant for several hundred leading companies, and collaborated as a political consultant with the governments of the heads of Sweden, Brazil, Greece, Israel, Iceland, Mexico and Macedonia. Among the companies with which Adizes worked are Bank of America, Coca-Cola Bottling, IBM Brazil and many more companies in 52 countries.
Author of 29 books translated into 26 languages. One of scientific theories Adizes' theory of company life cycles is described in his book "Corporate Life Cycle Management." The essence of the theory is that any company, like any living organism, goes through different stages of development: birth, childhood, adolescence, etc. The company experiences growing pains and all the problems that any living organism faces during its life. Adizes' theory is a kind of elixir of eternal youth for the corporation.
Another well-known Adizes theory that explains the typologies of managers is described in the book “How to overcome management crises.” According to Dr. Adizes, there is no ideal leader. According to his PAEI model, to achieve effectiveness, a leader needs four qualities: P - producer of results (producer), A - administrator (administrator), E - entrepreneur (entrepreneur), I - integrator (integrator). All this cannot be combined in one person, so it is necessary to have several strong managers at the helm of the corporation.

Ruth and Yehezkel Madanes, M.A., are professional life coaches who have used the Enneagram as a core tool in their practice for nearly a decade. They learned the strategic intervention method in a coaching training program with Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes. Yehezkel and Ruth are the President and CEO of the Madanes School of the Enneagram in Coaching, which has developed a best-selling book series and a widely acclaimed online certification training program that provides consultations, lectures and one-on-one coaching sessions. They have shared their innovative methodology with leading corporations, as well as thousands of students, teachers and parents in many countries.
3rd edition.

Yitzchak Calderon Adizes, Yehezkel and Ruth Madanes

Union of Dissimilars. How to create happy family not despite, but because of your differences

Published with permission from The Adizes Institute LLC and Sandermoen Business Management AG

Scientific editor Anna Chedia Sundermoen

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Introduction

I'm a management consultant. But in fact, the word “consultant” does not accurately reflect the nature of my work. I conduct organizational, or corporate, therapy.

Then I learned that they not only teach how to use the Enneagram. They provide family and relationship training using this approach. “Why don’t you try to apply Adizes’ theory?” – I asked.

They really liked the idea. This is how this book was born.

The essence of Adizes' theory

In this book we will talk about mutual respect and trust and how to develop and nurture them in your family. We hope our work will not only captivate you, but also help strengthen your family.

Happy reading,

Isaac Adizes, Santa Barbara, California

Yehezkel and Ruth Madanes, Jerusalem, Israel

Part I. Modern marriages and families: the state of affairs

Chapter 1. The world has changed

What's going on? Relations between men and women have been turned upside down. There has been a catastrophic cultural shift. Change is happening at breakneck speed; it seems that there is not a single family left in the world that they have not touched. For thousands of years, traditional family roles seemed immutable. And suddenly the foundations were shaken and instability reached unprecedented levels. There is no longer any clarity. Suddenly it turned out that men and women are “people from different planets.” There are courses, seminars and books - in fact, an entire industry, a culture growing like mushrooms after rain - designed to help people save their marriages in this chaos.

Union of Dissimilars. How to create a happy family not despite, but because of your differences Yehezkel Madanes, Ruth Madanes, Isaac Adizes

Both organizations and families are systems. For the successful operation of the system that is marriage, the implementation of four roles is necessary. Carrying out many responsibilities: caring for each other, caring for the home and children, providing the income the family needs, etc.

Being a system, the family needs discipline and rules: otherwise there will be no order in it. The arrangement must change depending on the circumstances because marriage is a choice for many years and must evolve over time to remain functional. And finally, unity and harmony should reign in the family, based on intimacy, mutual assistance and... love.

So, four different roles must be implemented in the family in order for all these actions to become possible: Production (P), Administration (A), Entrepreneurship (E) and Integration (I), which make up the abbreviation PAEI. When one or more roles are not fulfilled, something will be missing in the marriage, and it risks breaking on the rocks.

No one person can perform all four PAEI roles at the same time. Marriage is a complementary team, where one partner takes on one part of the roles, and the other takes on the rest. This explains why opposites attract.

However, conflicts often arise between people with dissimilar behavioral styles. The conflict can go into a destructive phase and lead to divorce. And it can help further development and self-realization. It depends on whether there is mutual respect and trust in the family.