Resentment is familiar to us from childhood. Some are offended more, others less. And how much she destroyed relationships, families, and what can I say, destinies. It is terrible in that it eats a person from the inside.

Hence, serious illnesses arise, both physical and psychological. Therefore, you need to be able to forgive.

What is resentment?

Resentment in psychology is the response of the offended person to the act of another person, which is unacceptable for her. Causes a feeling of hostility, you can get rid of it, the main thing is that it does not develop into constant resentment.

Some people do not hold resentment in themselves, they splash out bad emotions on others. Others, on the contrary, close in themselves and carry them deep inside, without showing anyone. They smile despite adversity. But this is fraught with dire consequences.

This usually leads to deep depression. Again, if it concerns a single offense, the matter is not so bad, but systematic resentment is already a big problem. This is what the psychology of resentment tells about.

How is this emotion characterized?

She carries a powerful destructive force. This deteriorates health and relationships.

The main components of resentment:

  • Intense mental pain. It arises in response to an unfair attitude towards an individual.
  • Feelings of betrayal. The offended person says that he never expected this.
  • The perception of the unfair actions of another individual in relation to the offender, based purely on the results of one's own observation and analysis. That is, his pay for the same job is higher than mine, or his parents love his younger brother more, etc.
  • Long-term experience, and to some subjects it can stick forever.
  • May cause the breakdown of strong family relationships. If this is a childish resentment that was left unattended inside the child, then it can subsequently result in a deep interpersonal conflict with the parents.
  • The ability to stay deep in the soul. Often a person is unable to admit that he is offended, which makes him even more unhappy.
  • Feeling irreparable from the situation.
  • Consciousness blocking. An offended person is not able to give an objective assessment of what is happening.
  • Can provoke a state of passion.

By all accounts, the resentment has very serious consequences. This is a loss of meaning in life, apathy and even suicidal thoughts.

But it is worth noting that you can only take offense at a close or dear person. A stranger can only offend.

People take offense in different ways

Before embarking on a discussion of this issue, it is necessary to understand why it is very easy to offend some, while others are difficult. The bottom line is that everyone is offended in different ways. Some have many pronounced vulnerabilities, others have fewer, and they are hidden. It often happens that you can offend unconsciously, hitting the quick. Or it may seem that the person is very touchy, but in fact it is not.

Causes of resentment

There are three main sources:

  1. Deliberate manipulation. This is the deliberate protrusion of resentment in order to get what you want, and also to cause feelings of guilt in another.
  2. Inability to forgive. This is unconscious manipulation and is the root cause of most resentment. A person does not understand what and why he is offended, but he knows how to make amends for another.
  3. Deceived expectations. Everything is simple here. Let's say a woman wants an expensive gift, but receives a teddy bear, or when you count on the help of close friends, but she is not.

More often people with disabilities are offended by people who are in a state of stress, quarrels, depression, as well as those who love and feel sorry for themselves.

So what is resentment in psychology? This is a terrible feeling of annoyance that arises from the sudden actions of a person. That is why the phrase is often heard that this could not be expected from him. But if you learn to recognize people right away, then there will be no place for offense. After all, when a certain situation happens, the actions you expect will take place, it will not be offensive.

We figured out what resentment is in psychology. How to get rid of it? Read on for more on this.

Resentment in psychology: how to get rid

These tips will help you overcome unpleasant feelings.

You need to learn how to adequately respond to any unforeseen negative situation, turn on the mind, and not be guided by emotions alone.

It is necessary to find the root of the resentment. People often think why they were treated this way, but another question should be asked, from which irritability arises so quickly. You need to deal with your emotions, engage in self-improvement.

You cannot hide behind carelessness and joy. Because by deceiving others, you drive resentment deep into the subconscious. What causes depression and poor emotional state.

Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings. Share your experiences. This will help to rethink the lived situation, get rid of resentment, and possibly prevent the appearance of unpleasant moments.

You cannot fit people under one frame, placing great hopes, because everyone is completely different, with an individual character and perception. You don't have to be treated well and loved by everyone. You can't please everyone. Having mastered this truth, you can avoid the occurrence of many offensive situations.

If you intentionally try to offend you, you do not need to show a reaction. And next time the person will not do it.

You cannot accumulate this feeling in yourself, otherwise, when the resentment goes beyond the edges, quarrels, scandals and even partings begin. It is necessary to resolve all the nuances as they arise.

You need to be able to forgive and let go of people from your life who constantly and intentionally offend you.

Introduce yourself. The reason may lie behind your tiredness and irritation, overexertion, old mental wounds.

If it is difficult to cope with this problem on your own, it will be correct to turn to a specialist for help.

It can be seen from everything that you can overcome the resentment, the main thing is to turn on the mind and act quickly.

There is another good practice that can help you get rid of resentment. It's very simple. It is necessary to take a pen and a sheet of paper and draw up a letter of appeal to the abuser. You should not restrain yourself in statements, because no one will read it. After that, you need to be in silence alone with yourself, to rethink the situation, it will immediately become easier. Putting negative emotions on paper is a great way to release your anger.

Psychology: resentment at everyone

She usually appears in tandem with guilt feelings. Some are offended by something, others, experiencing remorse, pleasing everyone, try to correct the past mistake.

Before moving on to discussing men's offenses (in psychology), let's figure out why people are offended.

They fall into three main categories:

  • people living in the past;
  • overly emotional;
  • vindictive.

People living in the past run the risk of getting a complex from long-standing resentment. Suppose a man who harbored a grudge against one woman in his youth will experience a similar feeling for the rest throughout his life.

People of the second type are able to embellish the situation, exaggerate the resentment. And the most difficult thing is that it is almost impossible to convince such a person that the problem is far-fetched.

Vindictive people are scary because they nurture and try to implement a plan of revenge for a long time.

Thus, we smoothly moved on to the next question.

The psychology of male grievances

It is difficult for the stronger sex to admit their own weaknesses. Therefore, they do not give direct answers to questions, in every possible way they leave them or speak evasively.

The ability to mask the resentment well makes it possible. But men take offense.

Let's consider the reasons:

  1. The manner of speaking. Excessive straightforwardness and harshness can not only offend, but even push away from oneself.
  2. You must always be correct. In anger and in the process, you cannot touch a man for a sore spot. For example, if he is worried about a low salary, you should not reproach him with this. No need to criticize his masculinity.
  3. Men, as a rule, do not talk about the lack of love and affection. And perhaps resentment is manipulation to get attention. You need to engage in introspection to avoid such a situation.
  4. A person can be very emotional and impulsive. To perceive everything sharply, dwelling on trifles. In this case, you need to understand that with age, they need to be accepted as such.
  5. High self-esteem can lead to resentment. When parents from early childhood praised their son, praised him to heaven, and here the wife expresses her displeasure, the husband will not tolerate this. He does not understand this attitude and is not used to it.

You need to understand that men are straightforward. They are either telling the truth, or they are simply silent. After unpleasant statements, he can withdraw into himself. But this will not indicate an offense. Thus, he walks away and calms down, reflects, and then approaches and apologizes.

Much more complicated is the situation with the grievances of children against their parents.

Children's grievances

Until the age of five, they take offense at any parental prohibition. At this stage, babies believe that everything is created for them and belongs only to them. Growing up, the child will begin to understand that he is not alone in the world, and there will be much less resentment.

From five to twelve years of age conscious. And it is necessary to listen to their desires, because this can become a source of deep problems and misunderstanding.

Childhood resentment (in psychology this is considered) entails anger, rage, desire for revenge, disappointment. This is difficult to cope with, so various psychological problems arise that can affect the entire life of the child.

They need to be taught to forgive early in life to avoid big problems in adulthood.

How to help your child deal with resentment

Resentment and forgiveness of parents by children in psychology is a vital issue. The main thing that adults should know is that one cannot ignore the grievances of their child. If the kid extorts another toy, do not leave, ignoring his cry. You need to explain why you can't buy it.

When a child withdraws into himself, this is an alarm signal. He must be taken out of this state by any means. Take a walk, watch a cartoon together, and then be sure to return to this situation and figure out what caused it.

It is necessary to discuss everything with the child. It is impossible to keep silent and simply punish. It is necessary to break the system: resentment - anger - a desire for revenge.

In addition to resentment, forgiveness in psychology is no less significant moment. Forgiveness is the most important thing a child's parents should teach. Any method is suitable for this: reading books, watching cartoons, singing, dancing. The main thing is that the child does not accumulate negative emotions in himself. Let him not be able to forgive his offender to the end, but if there is no desire to take revenge, this is already half the success. There is a lot of beauty in life, and it is necessary to show and focus on this attention.

But resentment (in psychology this is considered) is not always a bad feeling. It helps to look at yourself from the outside. See those character traits that need improvement. After all, resentment can arise due to chronic fatigue, depression, this is an invitation to change and rest.

How can you forgive an offense?

We figured out the concept of resentment in psychology, learned how negatively and destructively it affects a person. After all, an offended person cannot function normally and simply enjoy life.

But it is not enough to understand what insult is in psychology. How to deal with this? Frequently asked question, which we will try to answer.

Here are psychologists' advice on how to forgive an offense.

You need to calm down and soberly assess the situation, imagine what life will be like if you continue to be offended further. Such is the psychology of people - grievances are overwhelming.

It is worth analyzing in writing what led to this situation. What offended you, what sore spots the opponent pressed on, because in this way he pointed out your weaknesses.

You need to start with words of forgiveness. Repeat the phrase "I release myself from resentment" many times, and it really becomes easier. The most terrible offense (in psychology this is considered) is against the mother, who prevents her from building her own happy family. It is important to understand that she gave you life and forgive her.

Deal with resentment with a sense of humor. The ability to laugh at yourself will make it easier to endure troubles.

To overcome resentment, in psychology, you can find this advice: often people offend others unconsciously, maybe this is your case. There are no identical people, everyone perceives what has been done and said in their own way. But in order to clarify the situation, you can bring the offender to the conversation and highlight all the accents, find out his intentions and speak out yourself.

Every person is capable of forgiving an insult. Letting go makes it much easier. This is a difficult process, at first it will be difficult, but then it will come to automatism.

Resentment and self-defense (in psychology this is considered) are closely related. Resentment is a certain degree of self-defense, thanks to which the offended one evokes special attention, a feeling of compassion, pity, thereby showing his "I".

This is a psychological reaction of a person, the purpose of which is to influence the opponent. It arises due to the fact that the expected does not coincide with reality.

Components of resentment

How are grievances and expectations related in psychology? To understand this issue, you need to consider three components:

  1. Plotting the expected result. A person mentally draws the outcome of the upcoming event. But, unfortunately, it does not always coincide with the desired one. People are different, with their own worldview. All problems have one source - the inability to talk. Instead of silently waiting for the implementation of the plan according to your own scenario, it is better to talk to the person, find out his wishes and find out about his upcoming actions. And if there is love and respect, this act will not feel like manipulation.
  2. Observation. It is necessary not only to look, you need to think about your expectations, to perceive the behavior of another person, to evaluate and criticize.
  3. Comparison of expectations with reality. You may not always be able to get what you want in the end. Therefore, resentment arises. The more inconsistencies there are, the stronger it will be. You cannot impose your point of view on a stranger, he has the right to act as he wants. It is necessary to make it a rule that you need to rely only on yourself. If expectations are not met, solve the problem by talking about it.

You should not bring to grudges, they need to be warned. And better, of course, at all, it is difficult, but quite possible.

Even this feeling has its positive sides.

The benefits are expressed in the following:

  1. Our weaknesses are revealed. You need to get to the bottom of the source of the resentment.
  2. In the event of a rupture, the offense acts as an anesthetic. Self-pity, anger and rage help to quickly get rid of memories, give strength to go forward, to leave everything in the past.
  3. Resentment allows bad emotions to be released. Sometimes a showdown is even helpful.

And one more interesting fact. More often, offended people are obtained from because they got what they wanted. Because of this, they developed two shortcomings: the belief that everyone around them should, and the inability to work.

Therefore, resentment must be eradicated from early childhood. Get rid of it in a timely manner, because it can cause physical and psychological illness.

Leonardo da Vinci

Perhaps we all have to deal with resentment in our lives from time to time. Situations when we take offense at someone, or when someone takes offense at us, are almost inevitable. It is understandable, our behavior does not always suit other people, and their behavior does not always suit us, and there are a lot of reasons for that. The main reason is our selfishness, which forces us to think first of all about ourselves, while other people want us to think about them, or, including them. And we also want other people not to forget about us and take into account our interests and desires when making certain decisions. But when our expectations for other people are not met, we take offense at them. Touchiness is not the most attractive character trait of a person and many people disapprove of it. However, it is inherent in most people, or rather, everyone, so we inevitably have to deal with it. In this article, dear readers, I will tell you about why people resent each other, how to behave with resentful people and what we should do with our own resentment so that it does not interfere with us achieving our goals and enjoying life.

You know, I have always believed and still believe that being offended is the lot of the weak. I know that many of us take offense at someone from time to time, and I also sometimes take offense, including myself. We tend to be offended, so this is a normal reaction and there is no need to be ashamed of it. But you and I must understand that this is not the best model of behavior - not the most effective, not the most effective, not the most adequate and not the most beautiful. Therefore, it is still better to replace it with another model, a more perfect and more, let's say, a mature model of behavior. Below I will tell you about what you can do to give up touchiness and how to do it.

Why do we take offense

To answer the question of why we are offended, we need to pay attention to how we are offended - whether we are offended inside ourselves in order to regret ourselves in this way and justify our failures, or we show other people our resentment, our discontent, our offended by their actions in order to get from them a certain reaction we need. Moreover, one is often combined with another. After all, we all want something from someone, but we do not always get what we want. What is not a reason to take offense and show other people that they are wrong, and at the same time justify yourself in your own eyes - shifting all the responsibility for your failures onto other people. For some of us, resentment is a real salvation from inner discomfort. So there will always be a reason for offense, but offense is not always appropriate, and often even harmful, so it all depends on how a person is used to reacting to what he does not like in the behavior of other people. It happens that other people do not meet our expectations and hopes, so we are disappointed in them - we are unhappy with them, we are unhappy with their behavior and even ourselves, for trusting these people. We feel resentment, we feel betrayed. This happens often. But we can carry our resentment inside ourselves, that is, take offense - imperceptibly, or we can take offense so that everyone will see it, and we do this mainly when our resentment allows us to manipulate other people. So, on the one hand, we are looking for a reason to pity and justify ourselves, and on the other hand, we want to achieve something from other people with the help of resentment.

All this comes from childhood, when the ability to take offense at adults, mainly at their parents - allows the child to seek certain concessions on their part. With the help of resentment, children attract the attention of adults, vividly demonstrating to them their weakness and putting pressure on their feelings of guilt. This is a real manipulation, because when we demonstrate our resentment to others, we try to manipulate them, we try to influence their feelings of guilt in this way in order to induce them to take the actions we need. That is why and why we are offended. Resentment can be spontaneous, when we simply do not know how else to respond to the disappointment that we have experienced because of other people, or it can be purposeful when we want to influence someone. Why are you, dear readers, offended [if you are offended]? Think about it. It may be that your resentment is not doing you any good, regardless of the reason why you are offended - to pity and justify yourself, or to influence other people, or both. Let's see what else makes people touchy.

Upbringing... Despite the fact that an unfavorable hormonal background can also affect a person's touchiness, upbringing still plays a more significant role in this matter. Well, that's right, and even let's put it this way, a reasonably brought up person will not be touchy, or in any case he will not show his offense to anyone. Why, why should we be offended when there are many other ways how to survive any setbacks and disappointments, and to influence other people? Offended person - demonstrates weakness, people do not respect touchy people, because they despise weakness, as it is not viable. It is much more profitable to act from a position of strength or to interest other people in order to achieve the desired behavior and actions from them. Think for yourself - what do we show other people when we take offense at them and show them our resentment? That they did wrong — wrong for us, but quite possibly right for themselves? We also show them that we are not happy with them, that we are not satisfied with their behavior, that we want to be apologized for us, to do something for us, and so on and so forth. In other words, we want something from people whom we are demonstratively offended and, at the same time, do not see any other opportunity to get from them what we need. What it is? This is weakness. We show people our inability to influence them in other ways, we sign our own helplessness. Will it help us to solve our problems and tasks, will it help us to strengthen our position in society, in a team, in relations with the opposite sex? No, it won't help. In rare cases, people can be manipulated by pressing on their feelings of pity, guilt, on their desire to be good and right for everyone, including us. But still, in many cases, resentment has an extremely limited range of possibilities. In general, we can take offense at selfish people as much as we want - they still will not change anything in their behavior. But the problem is that if a person is used to being offended, he is used to seeking concessions from other people in this way, because he was raised that way, one might even say that he was spoiled - it is difficult for him to refuse this behavior, even if his offenses do not work. Or if a person is so morally weak that he is not able to adhere to a different model of behavior with people, then for him grievances are the only salvation. But all these problems can be solved.

Shifting responsibility... The desire to shift responsibility to others also often encourages many people to take offense at everyone who did not help them in some way. Although, why on earth should someone help someone, moreover, just like that, it is not clear. But for some touchy people, this is not so important. The main thing for them is that they are not to blame for anything, other, bad, wrong people are to blame for everything. It is they, other people, who are to blame for not living up to the expectations of the touchy person, and it is not he who is to blame for placing these expectations on them. Or other people may be to blame for not giving the person the attention he needs and doing little for him, while he didn't really try to interest them in himself, so that it would be profitable for them to pay their attention to him. In general, the point is that to take offense at other people means to see them as a problem, not in yourself. But what's the point? How many people want to change for the sake of someone? How many people want to change at least for their own sake? So what's the point of being offended at them, what's the point of shifting responsibility to them for how they behave with us? Well, perhaps only for inner peace, for inner comfort, there is no more need.

Manipulation... The desire to manipulate people, including with the help of resentment, is an innate desire of a person. Manipulating people with resentment can be both consciously and unconsciously. Unconsciously, this is done mainly by children who simply adhere to the model of behavior that allows them to achieve from adults the desired attitude towards themselves. And if adults react to the child's grievances in the way he needs, he will continue to resent them in the future. We've been through all of this, most of us. But some people, I must say, deliberately took touchiness into their arsenal and with its help they manipulate everyone they can, everyone who allows themselves to be manipulated in this way. And those who see in touchy people ill-mannered people and the most ordinary manipulators - in most cases they are not mistaken. True, sometimes such manipulation looks rather naive, because, as I said above, not many people react to the grievances of other people in the way they, manipulators, need. And this is correct, since any manipulation is not a way to find a common language with a person in order to get something from him, but at the same time give him something, but a way to achieve what he wants, without taking into account the interests of this person, without taking into account interests and desires of other people. This is still forgivable for children, they get along with adults as best they can. But for an adult to take offense at people in order to manipulate them, at least not to the face. And as a maximum, I believe - for this it is necessary to punish, either with the help of counter manipulation, or by ignoring such people. This is the question of how to deal with resentful people. Sometimes, of course, you can listen to them, understand them, if they are offended not in order to extract one-sided benefit, but because of their weakness. But nevertheless, from this bad habit - the habit of being offended, the resentful person must be relieved.

I would also like to note that children's resentment is a natural age stage. Children are forced to act from a position of weakness, pressing on the pity and guilt of adults; for them, this is one of the few opportunities to gain the attention they need to themselves and certain concessions. Adults are another matter, for them touchiness is more likely a disadvantage than an advantage. It is unpleasant to see how an adult, instead of agreeing on something with other people, prefers to take offense at them and expects concessions to him. This is ugly and in some cases naive. At the same time, resentment can be pathological, when a person not only does not know how to react to other people in a different way, if their behavior does not suit him, but even looks for reasons for resentment, to make a victim of himself, to cry, to show how life is unfair to him and how bad other people who offend him can be. There is also a normal resentment, when a person is disappointed with other people so much that he simply cannot refrain from expressing his disappointment with them through resentment. In this case, such a reaction is an exception for a person and therefore he is very rarely offended, in exceptional cases when his emotions are so strong that it is difficult for him to control them. We were all so offended, at least once in our lives, because sometimes, indeed, some people amaze us with their dishonesty and sometimes even cruelty. And when it hurts, when they spit on your soul, when you were betrayed, you don't really think about what your behavior looks like from the outside. Well, reckless people are an example to follow for all of us. Those who never take offense seek from people the decisions, actions, behavior they need in other ways, including through the ability to negotiate, motivate, persuade. As a rule, it is very pleasant to deal with such people - after all, they are quite objective in assessing their own and other people's interests and try to think not only about themselves, but also about other people when they are asked for something. It is a pity that there are not many such people in our life.

Be that as it may, sometimes, I believe, you can afford to be offended, especially in those cases when you were deceived, betrayed, let down by a person dear to you, whom you trusted one hundred percent. Still, a treacherous act on the part of a person close and dear to you, and even more so a loved one, is a very strong blow, after which it is difficult to cope with your emotions. But focusing on the offense is not worth it. It is necessary to experience it and draw conclusions from the case because of which it arose. People hurt us for a reason, but so that we adequately perceive them and do not trust them too much.

But it would be just wonderful not to be offended at all. People who never take offense at anyone exist, but, as I said, there are few of them. Usually these are self-confident people with a maturity of mind and good mental health. In addition, such people understand well how one should behave in our society in order to achieve from other people the necessary actions, decisions, actions, the necessary attitude towards oneself. After all, no one is going to meet us halfway, just because we want this, and no matter how offended by people - most of them will think first of all about themselves and their desires, goals, dreams. But our desires and dreams are our worries. Therefore, it is better to adhere to a more effective and efficient model of behavior when communicating with other people. And even if you deservedly take offense at them, try not to show them your resentment, unless you are sure that they will react to it in the way you need. There is no need to show people your weakness and dependence on them - as a rule, they do not become kinder and more responsive from this.

How to stop being offended

To stop being offended, you must first find out - what result do you want to achieve with your offensive behavior? You need to ask yourself this question if you are defiantly offended by people, if you show them your offense and expect a certain reaction from them. Somewhere in your heart, you clearly hope that people will make concessions to you, reacting to your resentment against them, and will do something for you that you want them to do. Perhaps you are simply counting on the fact that they will apologize to you, if there is something for that, and perhaps you expect that people will try to atone for their guilt in front of you for having offended you. Surely in childhood, your grievances brought you certain positive results when adults, for example, your parents, made concessions to you. And now you expect that this model of behavior will work in adulthood and you will be able to use your grievances to achieve the same concessions as in childhood.

So think about the outcome you are hoping for. And when you understand what you want, when you realize your calculation in relation to other people - think of other ways to influence them. Well, what ways they can be - it can be the pressure that you can put on others when you have clearly advantageous positions on a particular issue. These may be the ways I have already mentioned - to interest, attract, bribe this or that person to do something that you need, being motivated by your desires, and not by a sense of guilt in front of you. In other words - strive for what you need, not with the help of resentment, but with the help of other methods of influencing people. You will see for yourself how many of them are more effective and practical.

And don't let those who take offense at you make you feel guilty for them and feel sorry for them. If you know that you are right, do not make excuses to anyone, do not look for an opportunity to atone for your guilt if it is not there. Behind any feeling of resentment there is always some kind of human desire - the desire of the offended person, which he hopes to realize in this way. If you are this person, then you do not need to touch the desire itself - you need to find another way to realize it. And there are many such ways. Being touchy, as I said, is not the best way to influence other people. And if someone at your expense is trying to realize his desire, demonstratively taking offense at you and expecting certain concessions on your part, do not react, do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Train other people to interact with you on normal, mutually beneficial terms, train them to respect you, and at the same time, themselves. Do not feel sorry for those who use pity as a tool of influence, such people do not deserve pity.

Thus, to get rid of resentment, find out why you are offended, what do you want to achieve with your resentment, what your resentment will actually give you and how else you can get what you want, how else you can influence people to do something for you? These questions of yours to yourself will make your behavior more meaningful, that is, the way it should be in an adult, reasonable, calculating person who knows how to control himself.

Pay also your attention to the behavior of those people who have achieved much greater success in life than you - learn to react to certain situations with them. This is the easiest way to learn something - you just have to repeat after others, after those for whom it makes sense to repeat. So if you are a touchy person, you definitely need to start following an example from other people, from those who do not take offense at anyone, but are looking for different ways of interacting with different people. We all often find ourselves in difficult interpersonal situations when we need to use a certain model of behavior to achieve the desired results. Each of us behaves differently in these situations. Someone is offended if there is a reason for this, and if it is not, then it can be invented, someone gets angry, intimidates and puts pressure on people, someone persuades and begs other people in order to get them the necessary decisions and actions, someone is trying to interest them in something, and so on. There are many ways to influence people, as I said, and, of course, you need to be able to use them all. But at the same time, it is necessary to actively master the most effective behavior, refusing from ineffective, childish, unattractive behavior, from which more often there is more harm than good. Therefore, take an example from those who act effectively, practically, competently and beautifully. And leave resentment in childhood - in adulthood you will not need it in the vast majority of cases.

We all want something, we all strive for something, we all want other people to help us realize our desires and dreams, and we expect this from them, we expect them to help us. In childhood, we expected a lot from our parents and other adults, and as adults, we begin to associate many of our dreams and desires with our friends, bosses, wives or husbands, politicians, and so on. Therein lies the problem of resentment - we expect too much from others and too little from ourselves. But in this life, no one owes us anything. You can't take care of yourself - hardly anyone else will take care of you. Remember this and try not to take offense at other people, all the more demonstratively, so as not to show both to them and to yourself - your weakness and helplessness. Use a behavior that is respectful and leads to great success in life.

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If you notice that in a relationship, either you or your partner constantly began to experience this feeling, then most likely the problem is somewhere deeper. We may react violently to some minor flaws (a dirty plate on the table or a lunch that is not prepared on time), however the root of the problem will be the same - unmet expectations... And it is with this that we need to work, instead of once again making a scandal over the scattered socks.

Resentment helps to deal with the situation.

This point flows smoothly from the previous one. You noticed that you began to take offense often, and realized that something was wrong. We begin to understand the situation. What caused you this reaction? Why are you offended? Maybe the person did not want to hurt you and you yourself "took the fire on yourself"? Anyway to deal with the resentment constructively is to make your life much easier, the main thing is to be honest with yourself.

Resentment can help you get rid of toxic relationships.

A normal person doesn't like being in negative emotions. That's in order to avoid resentment, we begin to think about "preventive measures"... For example, we precisely discuss what we want to get in the end, express our thoughts more clearly in order to eliminate misunderstandings, etc. Such avoidance of resentment is constructive and relieves us of unnecessary worries.

Resentment at work allows us to understand that we are being treated unfairly and need to restore our rights

The most important thing that resentment gives us is forgiveness.... We will not get away from living even negative emotions, so the only thing we can do about it is to understand why they arise and forgive the offender. Of course, getting over serious grievances is quite difficult, but as Nelson Mandela said, "Taking offense and resentment is like drinking poison in the hope that it will kill your enemies." Remember that we are not offended, but we are offended, and in order to forgive your offender, it is enough to stand in his place and think why he offended you. Maybe this was not the purpose of his behavior, and if they specifically wanted to offend us, then all the more there is no point in wasting our energy on communicating with such a person. Forgiving and forgetting a conflict situation, we make our life fuller and more positive.

Maybe you have your own options for how to forgive the offender? Share with us in the comments.

Touchiness as a character trait, how it differs from resentment. Causes and manifestations, ways to get rid of such a negative emotion.

The content of the article:

Touchiness is a negative emotion (selfishness, ambition) that has become a stable character trait. It manifests itself as an insult, as a result of which a person considers himself insulted. On this basis, he may have a feeling of envy and revenge. It is inherent to a greater extent in infantile individuals who often see a catch in communication, an infringement of their rights and freedoms, even in a seemingly non-conflict situation.

Description and mechanism for the development of touchiness


Before talking about resentment, let's understand what resentment is. It is inherent in absolutely all people, it has a range of shades. It manifests itself as grief, reaction to trouble, insult, humiliation or persecution. And for someone it is a spit in the soul, which can turn into a blood feud.

Let's say the behavior of a loved one is not at all what we would like to see. This causes a feeling of annoyance - a great resentment towards him. Another option: you have always treated a friend well, supported him in difficult times and did not consider it a cost of communication. And now you have trouble, and he is by the side. It is bitter to be disappointed in people, to lose faith in them, but, unfortunately, sometimes this happens in our life.

About the roots of this unpleasant feeling. If resentment gnaws at the soul constantly and does not give rest, it becomes a character trait. Far from the best, which can be characterized as touchiness. Often, a touchy person is vindictive because of the most seemingly simple everyday trifles. Suppose a person had a fight, his anger lurked and does not go away, he still wants to take revenge on his offender.

Touchiness as a character trait can be traced back to childhood. There is a logical explanation for this. A small person (boy or girl) is defenseless, so resentment is a kind of defense mechanism. By screaming, crying, stamping his feet, the baby often makes him draw attention to himself and achieves his goal. Often, the child deliberately manipulates such behavior in confidence, which will force him to reckon with.

And if parents indulge their child, just to avoid his hysteria, over time an "emotional" scoundrel will grow out of this. A selfish person who will build his adult life only on confrontation with others. A little something went wrong, and he already has a resentment: at loved ones, friends - for the whole world. This is true for both men and women. There is no big difference here, although female touchiness has some of its own characteristics.

And this is no longer a protective childish reaction, but a pathological character trait. Unlike the usual resentment, which can be a response, for example, to unfulfilled expectations. For example, a neighbor is viewed as a good friend, but he turns out to be a boor and a scoundrel. And disappointment comes. However, time passes, the grief is forgotten. Life goes on.

In psychology, there is such a thing as a mental hurt. This is when a person is constantly offended by everyone. No matter what they say to him, everyone is wrong with him. This is already a pathology of mental development that needs psychological correction.

It's important to know! Touchiness is an unpleasant character trait that grows out of childhood grievances. In some people, it may become predominant in life, which is evidence of a mental disorder.

Who is susceptible to resentment


Both men and women are susceptible to resentment. As a result of research, psychologists concluded that people with a developed right hemisphere of the brain (responsible for intuition, emotional state) are more touchy. But those who are used to thinking logically (left hemisphere) are not so angry.

Different types of characters are also subject to this negative emotion in different ways. Most of all, melancholic people are indignant, who have been experiencing their psychological trauma for a long time. And choleric people can inflict it - explosive, often unbridled personalities in the manifestation of their feelings. Due to their tough disposition, their resentment often develops into revenge. Phlegmatic and sanguine people are the least touchy, they are more resistant to all sorts of troubles and tend not to offend anyone.

Whatever the type of character, a person must be able to restrain their emotions. You shouldn't throw them out on other people, but you shouldn't keep it to yourself either. It is always necessary to behave calmly. This will save you from many troubles in life.

The main reasons for resentment


The reasons for touchiness lie in the emotional makeup of the personality. For example, a husband got into a stressful situation because of a quarrel with his wife, or vice versa - she quarreled with her husband. If one of them has resentment as a character trait, such a situation can spoil the relationship for a long time, up to divorce. And only a psychologist can help here.

The reasons for resentment are different, in a particular situation they can also manifest themselves in different ways, although in most cases a certain pattern can be traced. Let's consider all these factors in more detail:

  • Infantilism... An adult person resembles a child by his behavior. Everything is offended in the same way as in childhood, and cannot "stop" in any way. Weakness may be the reason for this behavior. When it is easiest to hide behind an insult your inability or unwillingness to do what is required. His weakness is covered by the mask of resentment, they say, "No one understands me, everyone is bad."
  • ... Someone deliberately seems offended, for example, frowns, talks reluctantly, with all his appearance shows that he was unjustly offended. This is actually a childish trick to achieve self-respect. Often it is used by the female sex, hoping to "pout" to attract male attention.
  • Vindictiveness... It develops when they do not know how or do not want to forgive. Resentment obscures the eyes, grows to the "end of the world", except for her, nothing is visible. Such anger often has social implications. All southern peoples are very touchy due to their Old Testament traditions. Their resentment has become a national character trait and manifests itself as bloody revenge.
  • Unfulfilled hopes... Touchiness here can have a momentary character, but it can also be “global”, that is, long-term. For example, a child was offended because his dad promised to buy a smartphone, but presented him with a cheap mobile phone. This is a simple offense, and can soon be forgotten. But if a girl married a man on whom she had pinned great hopes, but it turned out that she had married “a goat that only thumps,” this is already a great insult-trauma associated with her overestimated expectations.
  • Stressful situation... When a person is in a difficult situation, for example, depression has come because of a quarrel with his wife (husband). Resentment, anger is not the best advisor here, this can lead to serious consequences in a relationship. A serious illness or physical disability, injury can also cause resentment. Such people feel that they are not being given the attention they deserve. Sometimes envy of healthy people can become such a “touchy” factor.
  • Betrayal of a loved one... Let's say I believed him, but he did not help in a difficult situation. I didn’t borrow money when I asked him, although I could.
  • Dubiousness... A suspicious person is a touchy person. He always doubts everything, and therefore does not trust anyone. When he is reproached for this, he can be offended for a long time.
  • Introvert... When a person is immersed in his inner world, he can carry his resentment in himself for years, mentally acting out how he will be able to take revenge on his offender.
  • Pride... Always a companion of resentment. An arrogant person cannot even admit the thought that someone might say bad about him. And if this happens, he is offended.

It's important to know! All people are offended, but not all of their resentment is brought to anger and hatred, which often lead to criminal offenses.

Signs of touchiness in a person


One of the main signs of resentment should be considered anger. It is characterized by varying degrees of manifestation - indignation, irritation, indignation, anger, rage. But this is not always the case. It all depends on the type of personality, and therefore all manifestations of touchiness have certain personal characteristics.

These include:

  1. Change in complexion... From the insult inflicted, the melancholic may turn pale and outwardly react weakly, but deep in the soul, the insult blooms magnificently. The choleric will blush and react violently: screaming, waving his fists, swearing, that is, becoming aggressive. Someone is very worried, his hands are shaking, and the other is quieter than water below the grass. In some, the pressure rises, and spasms in the throat begin.
  2. Intonation changes... A person can shout, swear (choleric) or swallow an insult in silence, that is, withdraw into himself (melancholic).
  3. Vindictiveness... Often, resentment turns into such a feeling as anger and revenge, when the resentment lurked deep in the soul and is looking for its way out in the decision to take revenge on the offender at all costs.
  4. Insidiousness... Resentment can be hidden under the guise of benevolence, but in fact, a person nurtures malicious thoughts in relation to the one who offended.
  5. Irritation... Splashes out on others. The touchy one blames everyone for his inconsistencies, because everyone is to blame for him - relatives, friends (if he has not yet lost them) and acquaintances.
  6. Isolation... Often, such people go into their resentment and become sullen towards others.
  7. Disease... Chronic illness, injury, or injury can lead to increased resentment. It is hard for a person, he understands his condition, envies the healthy, therefore he takes offense at the whole world.
  8. Striving for fame... If a person is vain, he is offended by everyone who did not appreciate him.
  9. Arrogance, pride... People who consider themselves superior to others are easily offended by those who do not think so.

It's important to know! If a person is fixated on his resentment, this is already a reason to consult a psychologist in order to get rid of his addiction.

How to get rid of resentment

Sensitivity does not paint a person. Such people are often prone to outbursts of rage, which can lead to a sad end for themselves or those at whom unbridled anger is directed. You need to be able to independently cope with your resentment, know how to control it. If this happens, we can say about such a person that he is mature enough, the level of his psychological preparation is quite high. He solves his problems successfully.

Self-directed actions to combat resentment


Here are some tips on how to deal with resentment yourself:
  • Learn to shift your focus... If they are offended, do not blame others for everything. Just think, if this is happening, then I myself am to blame for something. Maybe the reason lies in me. Do not get boiled over and try to figure everything out. Logic and intelligence will help you find the right solution. You will remain calm and not enter into a completely unnecessary conflict.
  • Do not get into a skirmish... After listening to the attacks, do not get excited, but try to cool the ardor of the one pressing on you, saying, for example, that such words are unpleasant to hear. Such a phrase, pronounced calmly and benevolently, will help extinguish the quarrel. Of course, if the person who started it feels remorse. In any case, pride, when there is no desire to listen to your opponent, but you want to send him to hell, is not the best advisor in an angry resentment.
  • Know how to talk tactfully... No rudeness and obscenities. Even if a person is wrong, one should not say this to him in a rude form or with a feeling, for example, of a kind of joy, they say, I knew that it would not be so at all, but you did not listen. Only a sense of tact will help defeat ill-will and extinguish a quarrel in the bud.
  • Do not take even evil jokes with resentment.... Know how to treat everything with a certain amount of humor. The offender will understand that you cannot be “caught” and will fall behind.

It's important to know! Sensitivity is not the best advisor. Only the ability to conduct a conversation will help you forget about her.

Psychological methods of dealing with resentment


Unfortunately, not everyone knows how to cope with their irritation towards other people. In this case, a psychologist will tell you how to get rid of touchiness. He will teach you how to cope with your problem. There are many different psychological techniques, which one to adhere to depends on the specialist.

Gestalt therapy techniques work well. They focus on correcting emotions, which Gestaltherapists believe are at the core of human behavior. If you understand the cause of negative feelings, you can get rid of them, then behavior will change. And this is already a guarantee of victory over resentment.

The neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) technique is popular, although it has no official status. Perceptions, beliefs and behavior determine our life, if you change them, you can get rid of psychological trauma. For example, on a piece of paper you should print the name of your abuser and everything that you have against him. Then burn this sheet. Together with the ashes, all your grievances will be dispelled. You can write him a letter on the computer, without being embarrassed in your emotions. But you don't need to hit and burn a smart car. It certainly won't make it any easier.

Another way: to beat the pillow with your hands, if possible - a punching bag, take out all your rage on them. This will give vent to all resentment and anger. In Japan, a stuffed boss has been installed in some offices, and every clerk can beat him to exhaustion. So he gives an outlet for his aggression, because it is known that no one likes the authorities. This purely psychological method is not accidental, it has been established that after such a release of "steam" labor productivity increases significantly.

Another effective way to get rid of resentment is to start a "Journal of Grievances". Draw it into four columns and in each write down your feelings in detail:

  • "Resentment"... In what situation did she appear.
  • "Expectations"... What was expected, for example, from a partner, and what actually happened.
  • "Analysis"... Why the expectations turned out to be wrong, who is to blame, you or your partner.
  • "Conclusions"... Based on the analysis, determine how to act correctly in order to change the situation for the better.

It's important to know! Sensitivity as a mental disorder is completely curable. You just need to really want it.

The medical solution to the problem of resentment


When resentment controls the life of an individual, fills his entire essence, this is already a pathology. Such a person is dangerous to others. Resentment speaks in him, it develops into rage and the desire to take revenge at all costs, which becomes manic. This may end in suicide or murder of their alleged abuser.

Such people are isolated from society, placed in a psychiatric hospital, where they can stay for a long time, sometimes even for life. They are prescribed psychotropic and sedative drugs to bring down manic psychosis and put in order and calm the nervous system.

How to get rid of resentment - watch the video:


Resentment is far from the best human feeling, it is unpleasant, it causes a lot of trouble. If a person knows how to control his emotions, troubles do not knock him out of the usual rhythm of life. Self-control helps to "resolve" problems, contributes to always remain calm and balanced in any situation. Such a person is respected by everyone. If resentment is a serious concern, you need to get rid of it yourself or with the help of a psychologist. Even extremely emotional people can do this.

28.10.2017

Snezhana Ivanova

Touchiness is an individual personality trait. It is reflected in a certain reaction to external manifestations and stimuli.

Touchiness is an individual personality trait. It is reflected in a certain reaction to external manifestations and stimuli. If others do not live up to the expectations of the individual in some way, then resentment is immediately formed, supported by the feeling that they have been treated unfairly. Such a person, getting into this or that situation, begins to experience negative feelings. Touchiness as a character trait greatly interferes with a happy outlook. It does not allow you to perceive events in a positive way, but makes you look for a catch in everything, some kind of mysterious hidden meaning. Of course, this approach to life cannot be called correct. The personality cannot fully develop, guided by momentary impressions. Here, fruitful work on oneself is required in order to be able to avoid inadequate perception of reality.

Reasons for resentment

Of course, not a single character trait develops on its own without apparent reason. Everything in the world must have its own prerequisites. The reasons for resentment, as a rule, are hidden deep in the subconscious. A person may not even understand why he is constantly haunted by obsessive thoughts. His psychological state does not allow him to rejoice, the individual is constantly immersed in gloomy reflections on his own experiences. Let us consider in more detail the reasons for the formation of this trait.

Infantilism

It can be real or hidden. In any case, an adult is like a small child in behavior. He talks about many things, focusing only on his own selfish idea of ​​the world. Infantilism usually manifests itself in the fact that a person does not even want to make an effort to see a different point of view on an issue of concern to him. Touchiness in this case acts as a kind of protective barrier, which does not make it possible to enjoy life, to live in harmony with oneself and the people around. It turns out that a person drives himself into a certain framework, and then does not want to get out of there. Infantile perception of reality is always due to the inability to analyze the situation. This form of resentment is strongly associated with isolation, with the fact that a person cannot express his desires out loud.

Consequence of abuse

When a person has a negative experience of interacting with others, then he is unable to make positive judgments due to the lack of positive impressions. Sensitivity as a character trait often develops under the influence of traumatic experiences. If in childhood the child was mistreated, he had to endure insults and humiliation, then it is not surprising that at some point he began to perceive the whole world as a real danger. As an adult, such a person does not achieve self-sufficiency. This person will constantly seek confirmation that others cannot be trusted. People will be a source of uncontrollable aggression for him. In fact, this is a significant omission that the person himself tends to overlook. Sensitivity gradually captures the entire being of the individual, not allowing him to be himself.

Unjustified expectations

In fact, this is the most common reason for the formation of this feeling. Each of us has hopes, certain ideas about the world. When subjective expectations turn out to be unjustified, a person is lost, does not know what to do. Touchiness arises as a result of the inability to build trusting relationships with others. A person must, first of all, learn to realize that no one is able to guess his mood, and even more so to fulfill all expectations. Life is much more complicated than it is customary to talk about it. People in most cases tend to focus only on their own experiences.

Vindictiveness

Some people simply cannot come to terms with the fact that once someone did not do very well with them. Such a person is guided in everything by only one position - "if only I feel good." This attitude towards life forms resentment. For this reason, relationships with others cannot be called satisfactory. Vindictiveness as a character trait leads to deep dissatisfaction with life, contributes to the development of depression. For any trouble or inconvenience, they are ready to take revenge in the future. Of course, this behavior does not in any way lead to a happy self-feeling.

Impact of stress

The life of a modern person is in no way complete without experiences. Constant stress significantly harms the nervous system, drains it. Sometimes a little but prolonged stress is enough for a person to develop resentment. Stress is a perfectly understandable reason for this. The more we fixate on a problem, the more difficult it is in the end to be solved. Most people do not think about the fact that they themselves drive themselves into a tight framework, do not allow themselves to be happy. It is necessary to protect yourself from additional experiences. Constant scrolling in the head of negative events and various unsatisfactory options only leads to a reduced background of mood, constant depression. It is unlikely that a person can be satisfied with this state of affairs in the long run.

Introversion

This psychological feature in many cases leads to the appearance of resentment. Excessive focus of the individual on his own experiences creates additional stress, leads to nervousness. From here, self-doubt is formed, a suspicious attitude towards others. People, as a rule, stop trusting, do not want to start building new relationships, make additional acquaintances. Introversion is largely due to resentment, since isolation has not yet made anyone happy. Constant reflections on the topic of isolation from the world, existing external disagreements create an internal conflict, from which a person often cannot get out on his own. In most cases, immersion in oneself, concentration on oneself leads to the fact that it becomes very difficult to make friends with someone, to open the depth of one's thoughts to the interlocutor. Introverts see the world around them in a special light, they spend a long time working on the meaning of the words spoken by someone, endlessly thinking about the troubles that could happen to them.

Hidden pride

Touchiness as a characteristic feature of the personality is manifested in the fact that a person has an overestimated idea of ​​himself. He cannot even admit the thought that it is possible to be wrong in something. Such a person does not have the ability to self-criticize, to analyze the situation from different angles. Pride does not give you the opportunity to look at yourself from the outside at some point. Touchiness obscures everything, literally undermines from the inside. Most often, there is a lack of understanding of what is really happening and how to change the emerging circumstances. Pride is his hallmark. When someone does not do what is expected, resentment arises. The person thinks that he was treated unfairly. In fact, he does not even try to understand the situation, but immediately blames others for what is happening.

How to get rid of resentment

Such a character trait cannot be beneficial. A person involuntarily becomes a hostage of his feelings, from which he cannot leave on his own. It is very difficult to feel happy being in such a position. As a rule, people do not understand why they have the same negative feelings. How to get rid of resentment? Let's try to figure it out.

Switching attention

In most cases, you need to be distracted to overcome negative thoughts. Switching attention, especially when it is done in a timely manner, can dissolve any resentment, push it aside. Negative impressions will go away if you pay attention to what is happening around. Most people are focused only on their own problems and do not notice what is occupying their loved ones. If you become more empathetic and open, then you can make loyal friends, thereby getting rid of unnecessary resentment.

Calmness

There is no need to once again strive to enter into conflict. It won't do you any good, but it will make you feel depressed and emotionally tired. Keeping a good frame of mind, we learn to handle difficult situations with honor. When there are any significant contradictions in the relationship with others, then, for obvious reasons, emotional stress arises. A person ceases to control himself, is not responsible for his own behavior. This emotional state is fraught with negative consequences. Keeping calm, a person acquires the skill of letting go of resentment, develops constructive behavior. The better we learn to control our own emotions, the easier it becomes to control our feelings. And they, no doubt, are of great importance.

Sense of humor

The development of a sense of humor largely protects a person from any emotional upheaval. Sometimes a joke pronounced on time can defuse the situation, improve mood. As a result, emotional stress goes away, joy appears. The ability to kindly laugh at oneself largely determines the quality of life. People who have an easy attitude to life, as a rule, perceive the events taking place in it much easier. To understand how to deal with resentment, you must definitely work on yourself, and not let the situation take its course. A sense of humor is not at all a superfluous acquisition that a person needs to form a happy outlook.

Dealing with emotions

What we feel determines how adequately we perceive the surrounding reality. There are frequent cases of resentment actually occurring from scratch. People very often invent for themselves those circumstances that never existed. The fact is that each person reacts differently to certain changes in his life. What is an insult to one person will seem to another to be something absolutely normal and natural. Working with emotions includes immersing yourself in the world of feelings, fully examining them from different angles. Only by speaking your feelings, you can completely get rid of the overwhelming burden and psychological stress.

Analysis of the situation

Everything in this life happens for a reason. Each situation is truly unique and unrepeatable, and lessons can be learned from it. Before making final conclusions about an event, you need to try to understand the situation. To do this, you need to ask yourself the following questions: what really happened, why do I react this way, how can I try to fix it. An analysis of the situation is able to clarify controversial points, help to see some entertaining details. The better a person works on himself, the sooner he is able to notice really useful changes in his life. The ability to compare, analyze, generalize, and draw conclusions in a timely manner will be very useful in life. In order to work on your character, you need to have a clear goal, be an open and perceptive person.

Thus, resentment is a personality trait that does not allow to fully develop and strive for individual achievements. You cannot allow the presence of the deepest resentment in your heart. Otherwise, it will fill the entire existence of a person, completely subjugate him to itself. Fortunately, each of us has certain strengths and capabilities in order to work on our character.