Articles about people who can't say no. Reflections of a psychologist: why it is necessary to learn to refuse and say “no. Cry for help or manipulation

Disgusting feeling when you want to say "no", but it does not work. We agree to get rid of it as quickly as possible. But the retribution for consent makes it even worse: now we are burdened by the role of a victim, a hostage of our own weak character. Eight working tips will help you change the situation.

1. Remember: you cannot please everyone.

"You can't be everyone's lifesaver" is the first rule to repeat until it changes your behavior. If there is no clear line, how and when you should, expect moral exhaustion. By refusing other people, you risk ruining your relationship with them, but you will not be used.

2. Don't forget your interests

Each coin has a downside: a short “no” to one thing is nothing more than a capacious “yes” to something else. Just think about the things that you can do if you don’t shift the worries to yourself. With this approach, the feeling of guilt will go away and no longer remind of itself.

3. Avoid making excuses

As a rule, we want to back up our refusal with a large portion of reasons and details. But it's better to be simple and concise. If you go into details, you run the risk of making a slip, getting confused, or exposing yourself to insincerity. Here you have to agree, and this is not included in your plans.

4. Think and prepare for rejection in advance

The strategy is to be always on the alert. You can prepare a chain of questions ahead of time to help you find a good reason to refuse. For example, take a break and ask yourself: do you have time for this, is it profitable for you, what are the risks to the relationship with the person? Then answer “no” confidently, but not harshly.

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5. Analyze how your decision was influenced before

Each of us has said “yes” many times in similar situations with the same people. You are constantly being pushed down this beaten track, and it's time to learn how to turn off it. Admit that dirty tricks are being used against you and that they are trying to manipulate you. Remain calm and confidently move to the side.

6. Do not invent synonyms, for you there is only "no"

Limit your vocabulary to one word no. Forget about “maybe”, “maybe” and even “nope”. Strength - in unambiguity, even a hint of misinterpretation should not be allowed. Your pun is being interpreted by the other side as an unsure yes. All that is permissible is a "no" that leaves no doubt.

7. Suggest an alternative

It happens that people turn to you out of despair, when ideas run out and the solution to a problem is covered in fog. In such a situation, you act as a guardian angel, who knows better from above. Evaluate the question from your bell tower and suggest an alternative. Sow a thought in someone else's head, and the person will be grateful to you for the fact that you, in fact, refused.

8. Beware of Apologies

Do not think, saying something like "I'm sorry" is still worth it. But bending your back in bow is already unnecessary. We exaggerate because your courtesy may be mistaken for weakness. You are flint, and your no is unshakable.

Oh yeah, smile a little while saying no! From a smile in the sky, the rainbow will wake up - there will be something to close the awkward moment.

Do you often deny people any requests? If your answer is no, then it's time to change your life for the better. As you know, it is not easy to find a middle ground. Some always fulfill all requests, while others never. How do you learn to say no and not feel guilty? In this issue we will try to figure it out.

The root of the problem

As you know, everything has its own reasons. Some people find it extremely difficult to say a firm no. They agree, but then they scold themselves for it. Interestingly, more often than not, "yes" is not analyzed or considered. Only after a certain period of time a person begins to think: "why did I do this and not otherwise, why did I agree?" But, as the saying goes, “the train has already left” and now you need to think about how to keep your promise. Such situations are very common in many areas of a person's life: at work, in the family circle, in friendships, even on the street and in stores. There are reasons for all this. And before you understand how to learn to say "no", let's get acquainted with them in more detail.

Guilt

Manipulators are people who always and from everyone try to get the answer "yes". To do this, they use the most cunning and sophisticated methods. One of them is to make the opponent feel guilty. This is a wonderful emotion that can be used constantly and completely disinterestedly. The most striking example of such manipulation can be seen in the behavior of children. It is very important for every parent that the child feels his love and care.

When a child does not receive a cherished toy or permission to go for a walk, he makes mom or dad feel guilty. “So, you don’t love me, since you don’t want to buy”, “it means you don’t need me” - these and other words can often be heard from children and teenagers. Then the parents begin to worry that the child feels abandoned and fulfill any whim. In family relationships, this situation is very common. And even having already become adults, children often manipulate their parents, reproaching that they were poorly brought up, paid little attention, etc. How to learn to say "no" in this case? Of course, it all depends on the specific situation, but you should definitely try to get rid of the feeling of guilt. Remember that you don't owe anyone anything.

Fear that a person will be offended

Here's another common reason why you can't say no. There is a certain category of people who try to be on good terms with everyone. This "excessive kindness" fills a person so much that he begins to act to his own detriment.

Let's consider an elementary example. At the market, a girl stops at one of the counters, her attention is drawn to a pretty dress. The seller immediately jumps up and persuades her to fit. He is looking for the required size for a long time, helps the girl to get dressed / undress, holds a mirror so that she looks at herself well. But, frankly, this style does not suit her, and the mood to buy something has already disappeared. But then the girl feels sorry for the seller. After all, he ran around her so much, tried, and she makes an absolutely unnecessary purchase. The fear of offending the seller won out.

How not to offend a person

In such situations, you should think primarily about yourself. After all, the seller's job is to serve customers. It is not your fault that the product did not suit you or did not like it. You have every right not to take it. How do you learn to say no in this case? It should be tactfully explained that this does not suit you or that you are only choosing an outfit for yourself, but are not going to buy yet. Specify real, non-imaginary reasons. It is lies that cause resentment and contempt. When a person starts to stutter and babble something incomprehensible, it immediately becomes clear that he is trying to lie. Speak confidently and clearly: I don't like it / don't fit / don't want it.

Fear that you will lose a friend or a friend's trust

This reason differs from the previous one in that in this case, a person is afraid to refuse precisely his friends, colleagues, acquaintances. It seems to him that one "no" can lead to the fact that a friend will turn away from him, cease to be friends with him and respect him. This is not true. In fact, only those people who have their own opinions and interests are respected. Remember any authoritative person and answer the question: how often does she act in the interests of others, and even to the detriment of her own? Most likely never.

It is for this that this person is respected and appreciated. How do you learn to say no and feel comfortable doing it? In order to avoid conflict with the interlocutor, he should explain why you cannot help. You need to speak tactfully, but at the same time confidently enough. If, after your refusal, a person disappears from your life, know that he just used you, because friendship is mutual assistance, and not endless fulfillment of assignments.

How you want to be good

If you are asking the question: “how to learn to say“ no ”, but still be perfect,” then you have a separate reason why you cannot refuse people. And it is in it that you yourself are to blame, or, more precisely, your low self-esteem. Think about who told you that being good for everyone is right. Where did you get the opinion that you are bad? The answers to these questions will help you understand the root of the problem.

As you know, you cannot be good for everyone, and, frankly, there is no need for that. Most people are by nature very selfish and when they ask you for help, they only pursue their own interests. The need to do good deeds arises in every normal person, but this does not mean that you should be used. Want to do a good job? You can, for example, do charity work and transfer some money to a sick child or take a bag of toys to the baby's house. There are a lot of options. But remember, whichever you choose, it should not infringe on your interests.

Professional sphere

Free labor has always been a priority. Of course, it's very convenient for bosses to ask an employee to work a little overtime. Everything would be fine if it did not turn into a system. How to learn to say no at work? Think about whether your heroic deeds will be appreciated. After all, in fact, any work should be rewarded.

Very often colleagues also ask for help. And for this they find a variety of reasons. For example, a colleague often asks you to do his job for him, because he has a family and a lot of things to do, but you are lonely and free. Sometimes this reason allows you to just sit on the neck of a colleague and use it. But on the other hand, if, for example, you do not have a family, then why should you do someone else's work? After all, you are the one who needs more time to find a soul mate, to create a social unit. For such a case, this can be a great argument.

Of course, in order not to spoil relations with a colleague, you should not tell him that he is impudent. Just say that you have unexpected, but very important things to do.

A fine line

There is a small line between selfishness and reliability, which is sometimes difficult to see. Just because you need to learn to say no doesn't mean you don't need to help others. It is very important to understand who really needs such help and when. So how do you learn to say “no” to people, but at the same time not become selfish?

To begin with, you should analyze who really needs such help and who uses you. To do this, imagine that you have gone to a desert island for six months. Think about who and how will do without you? What other advice do psychologists give on this score? What is the fastest way to learn to say no? To do this, you need to love yourself and realize that your life is in your hands. No one should manage it, except yourself.

Are you familiar with situations when you are asked for something, and you agree, although your inner voice resists and advises you to do the opposite. Probably yes, if you are reading this article. This problem is very common in our society and not only among timid and anxious people, but also among the brave and self-confident as well. Why is it so hard to refuse? What is this behavior based on? What guides a person at this moment: feelings or reason? And, most importantly, how to learn to say “no”?

Why are we afraid to refuse people a request

1. Quite often, the roots of the problem lie in strict parenting.... Children, whose authoritarian parents completely suppress their will, always obey unconditionally or begin to protest against everything around. In the first case, they introduce into adulthood the habit of obeying and fulfilling the requests of others.
2. Fear of ruining relationships... And the closer and more significant these relationships are, the more often we agree to fulfill requests. Thoughts usually spin in my head: “What will he think of me? What if he thinks me unreliable (unreliable)? Will he communicate with me after that? " Usually, the anxiety and discomfort caused by these experiences is stronger than the desire to refuse, and we agree.
3. Fear of losing existing opportunities... Many are afraid of losing what they have, and they consider any refusals a threat to their position.
4. The need to feel your own worth... “If someone turns to me, it means I am needed and important,” such a person thinks, and this greatly warms his soul. Quite often manipulators play on such strings. “Except for you, perhaps no one can cope with this” or “I can only entrust this business to you” - this is how they formulate their request, and the person falls for their bait.
5. Fear of being alone... People may be afraid that if they refuse to fulfill the request, they will be rejected and they will be left alone.
6. Delicacy, politeness... If these qualities are overdeveloped, and a person is used to sacrificing his own interests for the sake of others, then saying “no” seems to him an extremely difficult task. Although, even though they are very loyal and helpful, some people know how beautiful it is to refuse a request.
7. Desire to avoid conflict... On the one hand, this is the fear of causing indignation in the interlocutor (relative, friend, colleague, boss). On the other hand, there are difficulties in defending one's opinion.

Why is it so important to learn to refuse and say no?

What does the inability to say "no" and the constant provision of services to others lead to?

• By regularly responding to requests, you drain your inner resources, especially if you do it against your own will. , nervous breakdowns, apathy can be the consequences of this.

For example, you are burdened with additional unpaid work, you are constantly staying up late, and you come home tired. Of course, this negatively affects health, mood and family relationships.

• Afraid to seem impolite and callous and constantly agreeing to everything to which you are being persuaded, you end up looking spineless in the eyes of those around you and unable to defend your “I”.
• By fulfilling other people's requests from time to time, you can relax them. Demonstrating constant reliability, you encourage their vices and weaknesses: laziness, selfishness, a tendency to consume, a desire to avoid responsibility, and others.

For example, a friend regularly asks you for a loan because she does not know how to “live within your means”, correctly calculate your expenses and quickly spend all your savings. By fulfilling her request, you more and more allow her to plunge into the abyss of financial problems and irresponsible attitude to money. Wouldn't it be better to talk openly with your friend about this and try to help her change her approach to life?

• You regularly sacrifice your interests, affairs, time, fulfilling someone else's will. You can even stop developing spiritually by giving it all your strength.

For example, a neighbor every Saturday asks you to sit with her child all day and evening. You agree by opting out of gym and parent visits. That being said, you know that she has relatives who will probably not approve of her regular meetings with friends and parties. Therefore, she turns to you, and you cannot competently refuse, because you feel sorry for the baby and sincerely want to help.

• Realizing that you are constantly being used, you yourself begin to treat these people negatively, avoid communicating with them.

How to say "no" and be able to politely refuse a person

So, it is necessary to correctly refuse to fulfill the request in situations when:

• you are used and constantly refer to you;
• indeed, there is no time, no opportunity (for various reasons) to do what they ask for;
• you are very tired;
• what they want from you is at odds with your views, principles, values.

The first step towards developing the ability to say no is admitting that you really have a problem with it, you want to solve it and learn to refuse.

Then analyze situations where you did not want to comply with the request, but could not say no. How do they affect your life? What are the negative consequences? The result of the analysis should be a persistent dislike for their reliability and a desire to get rid of it.

After that, you need to move on to action and reinforce a valuable skill in behavior. You need to start with training at home with the possible involvement of loved ones or a girlfriend (friend).

How to politely refuse to communicate with a person

1. Practice saying "no" in front of the mirror. Present a request from someone from your environment, formulate a refusal phrase. Pronounce it until you like its sound and until you feel confident and firm in your voice. You can ask your family to play this situation with you. After training, track how you are feeling.
2. It is important to set aside your fears that others will be offended, stop communicating with you, reject or make a scandal if you refuse them. Surely most of your acquaintances (relatives, friends, colleagues) asking for something are adequate people who can understand that you also have your own things to do and need and you cannot do it now.
3. Make it a rule: when you are asked for something, wait a while before saying "yes", because often consent is given out of habit, on an automatic basis. Taking a pause will help you collect your thoughts, weigh key points, and deal with anxiety.
4. Always make eye contact when you say no. This shows your confidence and firm decision. Indistinct phrases and a glance "past" the interlocutor are perceived as consent, albeit reluctant.
5. Start small - at first, refuse small requests, such as lending money or meeting a friend.
6. If you refuse, speak on your own behalf, use the pronoun “I”: “Unfortunately, I cannot help you,” “I hate to do this,” etc.
7. Don't use excuses, it diminishes respect for you. Refusal should sound firm, but calm.
8. Always listen to the person before you say no. This will show respect for him and will have time to find the right words yourself.
9. Be sure to explain your refusal to the person, tell them why you cannot fulfill the request. This will help maintain rapport between you.
10. Voice your feelings, for example: "Of course I am upset (upset) that I cannot help my best friend (friend)."
11. Help with advice, express your opinion on how you can solve this situation or who it is better to contact to fulfill the request.
12. What is the right way to refuse a job if you are loaded with additional tasks? You can choose the following phrase: "I cannot fulfill these duties, since the project I am doing takes all my working time" or "I cannot stay late at work, since I have to devote this time to my family."

Love and respect yourself. You must be sure that it is your legal right to have personal time and value. And always remember that refusal is not a disregard for the interests of another person, but the need to make him understand that the request cannot be fulfilled "here and now."

“The less energy we have, the more willingly we waste it - such is the paradox,” says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “Therefore, those who are really tired often cannot say no. But there are other reasons for uptime. So, it can be one of the symptoms of depression. “This disease gives rise to specific ways of thinking,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. "In particular, a person suddenly begins to feel an acute desire to make everyone happy, takes on any business - and for that which others refuse."

Stay obedient child

“Even at a very early age, most children can confidently say no,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova. “But if adults do not notice their desire to defend their position, do not take their opinions seriously, the child has a feeling that in fact only the wishes of other people matter, and his own views and values \u200b\u200bare not of interest.” As a result, such a person does not value himself highly, and other people's desires become a priority for him.

“When a child lives in an atmosphere of unconditional submission,” adds Svetlana Kryvtsova, “he grows up as an obedient and dependent person, lives with the fear of not coping with the situation on his own in the event of a conflict or disagreement with someone who is higher on the hierarchical ladder.” The fear of making a mistake, making a mistake makes him agree and flawlessly fulfill the requests of colleagues and management.

Feel like a hero

The desire to help their neighbor, not to disappoint, seems to them an important reason to never say “no”. But often this desire testifies to something else - to the unconscious need to feel again (as in childhood) his omnipotence. “If reliability is part of a person’s behavior style at the age of 35-40, this most likely speaks of his psychological immaturity,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. "He is out of tune with himself, unable to distinguish between what gives him pleasure and what is an excess experience." Such people need to "get involved in a fight" in order to better understand themselves. And when a person lives according to the principle “is it weak to me?”, He perceives any proposal and request as a challenge. And he answers "yes"!

"I don't regret saying yes."

Christina, 29, illustrator

“At school, I always did my math homework for my girlfriends; later, if I was invited to a cafe by a person who was completely uninteresting to me, I agreed. Not to mention the hundreds of things that I did in order not to upset my friends, or the clothes that I bought, even if they didn't suit me.

I just couldn't say no: I felt that I should, or I did it out of politeness. But once my friend asked me: "What do you yourself want?" And I couldn't find an answer for him. And then, as if something clicked in me For a year now, I have been regularly meeting with a psychotherapist. I am learning to take care of myself, to define my own goals. I have already achieved a lot - I found my calling in work. And for the first time I do not regret that I said yes - yes to the course of action that seemed so unconvincing to me. "

What to do?

• Think about yourself If you feel that you are having a hard time turning down others, take some time out to give yourself some rest.
• Hold pause Try not to give an immediate answer. Take your time, weigh the pros and cons.
• Rejecting the Request, Not the Requestor Your refusal does not mean breaking off the relationship with the one who asked you. It matters only in this situation and does not apply to life.
• Asking Questions If you feel pressured, ask directly, "Why are you insisting so?" This will allow you to seize the initiative and not feel like a victim.
• Do not refer to external circumstances Your refusal should reflect your position, otherwise the interlocutor will have the feeling that he has chosen the wrong moment and is worth trying again.

When we are confronted with someone who always answers “yes, of course,” it is difficult for us to understand how sincere this person is. But he often cannot figure out how ready to help us. Moreover, by his behavior, he easily turns us into involuntary manipulators. Do not trust his first "yes", reformulate your question or request (several times) - this will help you understand the true motives of his consent. Become his loud inner voice, which he himself can hardly hear.

In this article, I'll present you six steps on the path to learning how to say no to people. Saying “no” is a schematic expression that implies a lack of desire to communicate with someone, go somewhere, endure something, please someone and do what you do not like. To master this skill, first ask yourself a question and answer it honestly.

Ask yourself, "Why can't I say no?" The answer to this question may be, for example, low self-esteem, self-doubt, fear of offending other people, belittling oneself against the background of others, or lack of personal boundaries. Think about what is the answer for you. To learn how to say no, you need to be clear about what exactly you need to work with. And then feel free to proceed.

How to learn to say no to people - 6 steps:

When you do something that you don't feel like doing, you are serving other people's goals. You help others fulfill their desires. Who will serve your desires? Who will help you achieve your goals? This can only be done by yourself when you learn to say “no”.

Start doing this today, and let each one take care of their own goals. The six steps in this article are guaranteed to help you master the skill of rejection. So, how to learn to say no to people - six steps:

Stage # 1: Train Your Brain

If you have lived for many years, pleasing others and practically not thinking about yourself, then first you need to train your brain to say no. He must get used to this word. To do this, start saying out loud the word "no", as well as other possible options for refusals. Say: “No, I don’t want to go there”, “No, I will not lend”, “No, I won’t go to this place, I don’t want to”, “I don’t like you. I do not want to communicate with you. "

Come up with your own rejection options that work best for you. The ones you need. Your brain needs to learn what it feels like to say no, and also learn how to do it.

Practice rejection words for several days, and gradually you will feel your fears go away. These rehearsals are needed so that the transition to real refusals is smoother and easier, and the brain stops sabotaging.

The fact is that it doesn't matter for the brain whether you say it to someone or into emptiness. He will take these rehearsals as your first failures. And the first time you do it in practice, it will be the eightieth for him. You will feel that it will be much easier and calmer for you to say no.

Stage # 2: Small "no"

The second step should be your first practice failures. In order for them to succeed you easily and simply, start training on those people to whom it is easiest for you to say “no”, and refuse them the little things. For example, your husband has asked you to do something small and simple for him. Take and refuse him, arguing that now you are busy and you are not up to it.

Practice on the smallest failures. At the checkout in the supermarket, refuse to buy what the cashier has already counted. Refuse to go to the movies with your friend, even if you have already agreed. Come up with a few more options for rejection and do them for training. Of course, not to your detriment. But a little to the detriment of others. Do not feel sorry for anyone, because no one has felt sorry for you until this moment.
Why start small?

Firstly, because it will be much easier for you. Secondly, so that you do not feel even the slightest sense of guilt over rejection. Feelings of guilt can provoke a rollback, a desire to please and indulge people again. And small "no", almost without harm to others, will make you addictive to refusals, but at the same time will not seem to you something scary and unpleasant.

Stage # 3: Track the moment of decision making

Whenever you need to make a decision, even the smallest one, deliberately pause. Remember, you now have a goal - to learn how to say no. Ask yourself before making any decision: "Which answer would be appropriate for the purpose?" And feel free to make a decision according to your wishes and needs. During the pause, try to tilt yourself towards your goal.

Learn to benefit from every decision you make. At first, this may seem strange and selfish to you. But haven't you allowed others to selfishly treat you as well? Cases of transition from low self-esteem to high self-esteem are extremely rare, so when you learn to act according to your desires, at best you will balance in the middle, at the most favorable point of adequate self-esteem. When you feel like it, say yes, when you feel like it, say no. Listen to your desires and needs, and stop being afraid that someone will not be happy with it.

Stage # 4: Stop Pleasing Others

People always read your inner gesture. You must understand that it is not others who violate your boundaries, but you let them do it... As soon as you stop doing this and start saying “no”, someone from your environment will begin to adjust to you and be reluctant to change, and someone will simply leave your life. Do not worry about this, their place will be taken by those who will not suppress you.

Accept that when you start saying no to people, you become uncomfortable with others. It becomes more difficult to communicate with you, and people will resent, perhaps even try to remake you back. Don't fall for their tricks! Just keep up the good work. No matter how hard you try to please everyone, there are always people who don't like you.

As model Dita von Teese said, "Even if you are the sweetest, juiciest peach on the tree, there is always someone who doesn't like peaches." Therefore, in your desire to please everyone, there is often simply no point. By maintaining your personality and not losing yourself, you are more likely to be liked by people than by trying to indulge them. By trying to please, you are preventing people from knowing who you really are. What do you think and what would you like. Let people get to know you. Show you.

And if there are those in your life who are used to breaking your boundaries and suppressing you, then do not be afraid to let them go from your life. Stop bending over, start acting according to your own desires, and they, being outraged or trying to remake you, either change or leave your life without a trace. In case you cannot fight back someone close to you, start politely but firmly to say “no” first in small things, and then in larger things. Argument your position confidently but delicately.

When it comes to close people, firmness in actions is important. If you, for example, said no and were not heard, next time repeat your position and hang up. Remind you that you refuse and slam the door. Repeat what you said the first time and walk away from the conversation. For the fifth or tenth time, a loved one will hear you and understand that you will no longer bend under him. From now on you refuse to dance to his tune. Be patient, be polite, but unwavering in your decisions.

Stage # 5: Start Respecting Yourself

Every time you say no to someone, you are saying yes to yourself. Begin to love and respect yourself, and then you will gradually learn to act according to your desires. Even when it is contrary to the wishes of others. Two of my articles on this topic will help you learn to respect yourself:

On one side of the scale lies fear - on the other there is always freedom!

Conclusion

Congratulations, you now know a lot more about how to say no to people. After going through all six of the proposed stages in order, you are guaranteed to learn how to fight back and will not be afraid of it or regret after it. Let's remember them again:

• First, train your brain to the new word "no" for it. Say constantly for several days phrases in which you give up something. Those phrases that are right for you. For example, "no, I will not do this," "no, I do not need this," "no, I will not go." Don't diminish the importance of this stage, because it is the passage of it that decides whether you make it to the end.

• In the second step, go to practice. But in order to avoid feelings of guilt or fears, start saying “no” only in small things and only to those who are easy for you to refuse.
• After you realize that you have already mastered the skill of refusing to small things, start tracking the moment you make any decision. After the question (if you have been asked one), pause briefly. During this pause, think about what solution will lead you to the goal of “learning to say no”? And boldly make the decision that suits the goal
• Stop pleasing others. It won't make you all like it. Every time you say yes to another, you are saying no to yourself. Your goals, your desires, opportunities and your life
• Start to respect yourself. This is the foundation of being able to say no. Every time you deny yourself something, you turn to face others and your back to yourself.
• Download my book How to Love Yourself today for 99 rubles. It contains only the most working and effective techniques, thanks to which you will stop indulging others and act only in your favor.
• And the most important thing for someone who wants to learn to say "no" is to get out of the role of a victim. My video course will help you to do this, with the help of which you will learn to defend yourself and become an independent person. Detailed announcement.

If you find it difficult to learn how to say "no", contact me for an individual. I will show you how to learn to act according to your desires.

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Say yes to yourself!
Your psychologist Lara Litvinova