Get out of the water LEAVE DRY FROM WATER. COME OUT DRY FROM WATER. Spread. Express. Go unpunished, avoid the punishment you deserve ... Neither before nor after did he covet someone else's, and here, in a drunken shop, one dodger knocked him down to whisk him with official alcohol. The dodger came out of the water dry, and Vasily Petrovich was immediately caught(N. Pochivalin. Past).

Phraseological dictionary of the Russian literary language. - M .: Astrel, AST... A.I. Fedorov. 2008.

See what "Getting out of the water dry" is in other dictionaries:

    get off the water

    Get off / get off the water- Spread. Disapproved. Avoid well-deserved punishment, remain unblemished, uncompromised in difficult and unpleasant situations. DP, 426, 661; BMS 1998, 90; SPP 2001, 22; SERGEEVA 2004, 205; BTS, 139, 172; Versh 6, 432 ...

    come out dry from water- get out / get out dry from the water Razg. More often owls. last time. Avoid the punishment you deserve; remain unpunished (about cunning, dexterous people). With noun with meaning faces: a teenager, a young man ... came out dry from the water; to whom? a criminal, a violator ... do not get out dry ... ... Educational phraseological dictionary

    LEAVE DRY FROM WATER. COME OUT DRY FROM WATER. Spread. Express. Go unpunished, avoid the punishment you deserve. Neither before nor after did he covet someone else's, and here, in a drunken shop, one dodger knocked him down to whisk him with official alcohol. ... ... Phraseological dictionary of the Russian literary language

    Turn dry out of the water- Bitter. The same as coming out dry from water. BalSok, 29 ... A large dictionary of Russian sayings

    On the water and be dry- Novg. The same as coming out dry from water. NOS 1, 104 ... A large dictionary of Russian sayings

    WATER- For water. Arch. In the absence of someone l. AOC 4, 153. Crazy Water. Alt. Spring flood. SRGA 1, 65. Big water. 1. Arch., Sib. High water. AOC 4, 147; SBO D1, 38. 2. Arch. Tide. AOC 4, 147. Break-in water. Don. The beginning of the ice drift. SDG 2, 31 ... A large dictionary of Russian sayings

    List of South Park characters

    Books around the world S.T.A.L.K.E.R.- Books around the world S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Many modern writers are carried away by the game world of S.T.A.L.K.E.R .. As a result, a series of books has been written that interpret the world of the game in their own way. The series is published by the Russian publishing houses "Eksmo" and ... ... Wikipedia

    South Park Characters- All of the characters listed below are the heroes of the animated television series "South Park" and the full-length cartoon "South Park: Big, Long and Uncircumcised." Characters are indicated only once, in a subsection dedicated to them. Characters ... Wikipedia

Books

  • , Robin Andy, Cavet Gregg. Dealing with the variety of cutlery is not so difficult. But what if you fell asleep at a meeting or got caught red-giving a gift? The authors of this book are researching dozens of awkward ... Buy for 292 rubles
  • How to get out of the water dry. The art of getting out of the most awkward situations in life, Robin E., Kavet G. Dealing with the variety of cutlery is not so difficult. But what if you fell asleep at a meeting or got caught red-giving a gift? The authors of this book investigate dozens of awkward ...

Andy Robin, Gregg Kavet

SAVING FACE: How to Lie, Fake, and Maneuver Your Way

Out of Life "s Most Awkward Situations

Originally published by Gallery Books, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc.


Text copyright © 2005 by Andy Robin and Gregg Kavet

Illustrations copyright © 2005 by Mike Pisiak

© Petrenko A., translation into Russian, 2012

© Design. LLC "Publishing house" Eksmo ", 2012


All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet and corporate networks, for private and public use without the written permission of the copyright holder.


© The electronic version of the book was prepared by Litres (www.litres.ru)

If the book you purchased does not have a cover, be aware that the copy is stolen. In the publisher's reports, it appears as "unsold and destroyed", and neither the author nor the publisher received any profit from the sale of the "naked" book.

This book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, places, events and incidents are either invented by the author or used in a fictional context. Any coincidence with real persons, both living and deceased, events or places is accidental.

Acknowledgments from the authors

We thank Trisia Bochkowski of Simon Spotlight Entertainment for the idea of ​​the project; to our editor, Patrick Price, for improving it, as well as to everyone who helped us out of awkward situations until we learned it ourselves: Linsdy, Anna, Roxanne, Peter, Jackson, and Kirsten Larson.

Foreword

Awkwardness like pornography difficult to define, but easy to recognize: cold sweat, stupor and the feeling that everyone is looking at you.

Ask anyone to list the ten worst moments in their life. Most likely, you will be named bereavement and a couple of bouts of illness or severe pain, but there is a good chance that nasty, annoying, terrifying awkwardness will be among the remaining seven or eight.

All our lives we have tried to avoid awkward situations, but ... again and again we find ourselves in them. We get screwed up, don't know what to do, and in the end we say and do things that only make things worse.

The problem is that we were not taught this. No one has ever systematically researched awkward moments or come up with easy ways to deal with them.

Nobody except us.

We have tried thousands of remedies from our own experience that can help in such situations. Most of them turned out to be completely untenable. We were slapped in the face, yelled at and sued, expelled from everywhere. We lost our jobs, drifted away from our relatives, and ruined our sex lives.

And all for your sake, dear reader.

But some methods did work. On the pages of our book, you will find specific recommendations on how to get out of all sorts of unpleasant situations. How do you greet someone whose name you can't remember? How to evade responsibility by clogging up the toilet of your wife's parents? How to break up an affair with a colleague? How to return the car with the burned out engine to the neighbors?

So, although awkward situations are waiting for you literally everywhere, you will no longer have a reason to hide at home, like some clean-shaven Ted Kaczynski 1
Theodore Kaczynski is an American mathematician, social critic, and terrorist known for his mail-bomb campaign. A bushy beard was an integral part of his image. - Approx. per.

Come out, communicate, work, live, desire and love. But always keep this book close at hand. Because you never know in advance at what point a situation might ... hmm ... turn into awkward.

Introduction: our arsenal

The techniques described in the book Suitable for anyone, from a simpleton with a damaged brain to an unbridled genius.

However, all readers will find it useful to master some of the techniques and then combine them into a system that we call "our arsenal."

Our arsenal
Lies

Lies should become your good friend. You will have to lie over and over again, in small and big ways. Practice the art of lying.

Lie so that they believe you. If there is anything worse than not lying at all, it is unconvincing to lie.

Modern telecommunication equipment

Since the telephone relieves us of personal confrontation, we will actively resort to its help throughout the book. But to maximize its capabilities, you will need to put at your service a variety of modern gadgets: an answering machine, voice mail, caller ID, forwarding, waiting and selective call blocking, as well as the multifunctional STAR 69 system.

Study your phone's capabilities carefully. What is the maximum number of messages his voice mailbox can store? What is the connection code of the "anti-identifier"? In what places does your phone usually not pick up so that at the right moment you can be successfully "disconnected"?

Dejected look

Let this be your default facial expression. A dejected appearance encourages people to forgive you for a lot of tactless or deadly stupid actions. Practice this facial expression in front of the mirror. One of these thoughts will help you tune in the right mood: your mother has just died; you have already delayed the delivery of a large project for a week; you are terminally ill. Situations like this cause the very inner anguish that usually excuses irresponsible actions.

Lack of money

Money is a great thing. But for our purposes, lack of money is more useful. Well, or at least its visibility. Citing a lack of money, you can bring down prices for services, fire the housekeeper or kick out workers, save money on a gift and cancel the agreement. To be more convincing, often complain about emergency expenses that have recently befallen you. You lost your case in court. Your child has thrombophlebitis and needs treatment. Your car is caught in a sinkhole. You need to open, reconstruct and replace the foundation of the house.

Scapegoats

Nothing relieves us of responsibility faster than having someone to blame, be it a secretary, assistant, wife, or husband. They don't even have to really exist - the main thing is that they are to blame. Set the stage in advance by complaining about the scapegoat: “I have the worst secretary ever! I need to find someone else. By the way, don't you have a decent secretary in mind? " For more extreme cases, consider an identical twin.

So we have completed our arsenal. Keep it clean, tidy and alert. You will need it soon.

1. Unlucky hour: how to survive at parties and other gatherings

God himself commanded begin our book with an exploration of the party, a planned sequence of ridiculous rituals designed specifically to confuse and embarrass all invitees through a barbaric culling of antisocial elements. Arrivals and departures, greetings and goodbyes, gifts, food, conversation and appearance are all governed by a myriad of unwritten laws. It is worth a little blunder, and the destructive gaze of the rest of the guests will immediately rush at you, crushing your ego and responding in your soul with painful waves of shame.

If you're hoping to survive the party, your only recourse is to learn our tips well. Learn the rules, practice tricks and visualize the ways of deliverance now, without waiting for your "moment of truth" one beautiful holiday evening many months later.

1. You are dressed too or not formally enough

Thinking about what to wear a person spends an average of 5 minutes a day. But when we are going to a party, this time increases to five hours.

Sometimes there are prompts in the invitations, alas, as a rule, very vague and misleading. Collocation evening toilets stands for: “We are having a party. Don't come naked. " Relaxed evening style means "dress like a schizophrenic." Black tie, get creative Is the trickiest of all clues. Where is your name being called to a Republican fundraiser or a gay pride parade?

But no matter what is included in the invitation, most likely you will still miss and look either a puffed-up snob, or, conversely, a slovenly simpleton. And the only question is how to justify its appearance in this form.

Receptions

explain where you came from

Tell people you just got home from work. If you are dressed too pretentious, then you are a big boss. If your outfit falls short, you are a creative person: musician, sculptor, Richard Branson 2
Sir Richard Charles Nicholas Branson is a British entrepreneur, founder of the Virgin Corporation, one of the seven richest people in Great Britain. Known to the general public for his non-standard deeds and extravagant appearance. - Approx. per.


explain where you are going

If those present know who you really are, refer to where you go after the event: a pool party, a debutante ball, a "scavenger hunt" 3
A fashionable game, the participants of which must find and collect certain items in a limited amount of time. - Approx. per.

Or the Grammy Awards.


Bring it all down to health: “My doctor says that I have sclerosis of the jugular vein. He said that if I wear a tie, my blood will be on his hands. Literally. " If you're dressed too formal, try this text: “My Achilles tendon is so worn out that these heels are the only thing keeping my foot from falling off my foot. Well, this mantle is the only thing that suits them. "



turn the situation inside out

If you are dressed too casually, call other guests "prim bored" and encourage them to "relax." Scream: “People, what are you doing! It's a party! " Spill drinks on your guests' jackets. Push them into the pool. Playfully yank someone's tie and tie it around your head in the manner of a samurai bandage.

2. You came without a gift

If at the entrance to your friend's house You are greeted by balloons strapped to your mailbox, the first sign that more than just a friendly gathering is waiting for you. And - in confirmation of your fears - no one enters the house empty-handed: who is carrying a colored box, who is a gift bag, and who is a bottle! You look like an idiot, a bad friend, and a stingy guy.

Receptions

get in the share

Walk up to a group of people who have jointly bought a generous gift and ask if it is possible to share. Most likely, they will be delighted with the opportunity to reduce their costs. Be sure to write your name large and legibly on the greeting card, and mention your gift several times when chatting with the birthday boy.


come up with a complimentary gift

If no group wants to help you out, or if participating in a collective gift is more expensive than the amount you are not sorry to spend, try the idea with a complimentary gift. This is a kind of substitute that seems to be associated with a collective gift, but has the advantage that it does not need to be handed over immediately. For example, if several people chipped in on a tennis racket, present the owner with a note stating that you are giving him a free tennis lesson.

Such a move will give your gift an aura of thoughtfulness and care, although in fact it does not smell like it.


Secret Santa

Remember, you are not Santa. You are Secret Santa. All you need is to bring something with you, at least something and you will surely receive something of value in return. Wrap old magazines in gift paper. Stuff Lipton tea bags in a box. Grab a knitted hat from the lost property office.

When your gift is opened, do not forget to express strong dissatisfaction with everyone. Suggest your own version of the answer to the question: which of those present turned out to be bad Santa?

see what you have in your pockets

Nice pen? A folding knife? Almost new wallet? A cute key chain? If you are wearing a new sweater or pullover, take it off, grab the gift box from the table, and voila, you are already a model of care!

Than God sent

If there is a decent restaurant or market nearby, you can contribute at the last moment to the common table. Well, what if there are none? If the only available source is the mainstream supermarket or the vending machine? The key to success is to attach your nonsense to something better. If someone was not too lazy to make a meat stew, get busy laying out slices of bread around the dish. Sit on boiled beans and sprinkle them with crispy chips. Place the pieces of chocolate bars in the ice cream. And if someone asks what you brought, point vaguely in the direction of the dish that you "added", and modestly say: "It turned out better than I thought!"

Extreme measures

Write a short and depressing note showing that you made a donation to a mythical charity on behalf of the hero of the occasion. The title should sound tragic: “Let's help children with liver cirrhosis” or “Save the puppies”. If you have any questions, go into a coughing fit.

3. Are you confused with the choice of greeting: a hug, a kiss, or a handshake?

You are invited to a party to a familiar couple. The hostess opens the door for you, and panic begins: which is better - shake her hand, hug or kiss her? It looks like she is quite relaxed, but I don't know her very well! ..

Without any confidence, you try to fake an awkward hug and immediately bump into an outstretched hand for a handshake, so that it is squeezed exactly between your torso. You abruptly pull away, and your awkward, convulsive gesture looks very unsightly.

Receptions

quarantine

The gold standard for anyone who doesn't want to kiss with slobbering, fondant or foul-smelling mouths. However, it's also a great way to avoid potentially awkward greetings and just wave at the person.

When people approach, cover your mouth with your palm and say with regret: "I am afraid of infecting you with the flu." If that doesn't stop them, give a warning cough several times, or blow your nose deafeningly into a tiny, chewed rag. If that doesn't help, you may have to tell them that you recently visited the bird market in Guangdong or the monkey nursery in Kinshasa.


be the leader, not the follower

So that the greeting does not turn into a game of "who is the first to chicken out", warn about your actions in advance. Having chosen the poison, let the victim know exactly what awaits her: stretch out your arms for a hug, fold your lips for a kiss, or extend your hand in advance. If time or distance may prevent you from recognizing the message, voice your intention: "Now I will kiss you!" or “High five, old man! Now I will shake your paw. "


collective greeting

If you have a lot of people to greet, try reaching everyone at the same time. Grab everyone's attention with an energetic "Hello everyone!" Then move your gaze to the faces of those who are farthest from you, wave your hand and call out a few recognizable names: “Dave! I'm glad to see you! How are you, Sam? Mary! Susie! Joe! Just look, everyone is here! This is great! Wow!"


in the heat of battle

If possible, find yourself some useful activity in which your hands are busy: grill meat, cook, pour drinks, soothe a crying child. In this situation, you can get by with a welcoming smile. Moreover, everyone will quickly move away from you until you ask for help.

Hot pepper handshake

Sometimes the problem arises even when both parties choose to shake hands. This gesture has many varieties, and the most time-consuming of them is a complex sequence of strange finger and palm manipulations, which is almost impossible to master, unless you buy or sell large quantities of "dope". If you suspect that you have a "tough pepper" in front of you, then, in order to avoid embarrassment and confusion with your fingers, in advance and with enthusiasm stretch out a clenched fist to him, which should also be met with a fist. Completing the clash of fists with a guttural "Yeah" will signal that further finger waving, pinky clutching, and other annoying hand games can be dispensed with.

4. You forgot someone's name

You enter the room full of your friends and you start greeting each one individually: “Hi Grace! Great Terence! How is it, Ted? " And then your gaze stops on ... that guy. The one, short, with bushy eyebrows and slightly touched by eczema ... You worked with him for eight years. He still has a lot of cats at home. Damn it! .. Yes, you must know his name a hundred pounds!

Receptions

universal appeal

Let it be baby, dude, boy, old man, tiger, friend, lady, big boy - at least Miss Cool. The main thing is to sound convincing. And to do this, openly use such words, referring to people whose names you certainly know, for example, your wife or your boss. If there is no one suitable nearby, start calling everyone in a row children, dudes and buddies, and only then approach the mysterious anonymous author. And the word "tiger" will suddenly sound like an expression of friendly affection, which, of course, did not spend the night there.



tactile contact

A memory lapse can be compensated for by touching, patting, hugging, shaking hands, kissing, or playfully brawling.


create the appearance of participation

Even the most vague references to shared memories will serve as an excellent cover if you voice them in a soulful, soulful tone. Talk about that wonderful fishing trip. Ask how his lovely kitties are doing. Better yet, share the details from your life: your grandmother now can't do without lithium, your niece jumped out for a Gentile, and your last ultrasound scan of the esophagus has some suspicious dark spots. If possible, use the formula: "You are now one of the most important people in my life."


try to get information

Exchange email addresses, compare rights photos, tell each other your childhood nicknames, or ask the other person why their parents chose that name for him.

If you manage to find out the necessary information, do not rush to use it immediately. You should wait a little, and then speak loudly and confidently to the person by name.

You made a mistake in the name

An annoying option because you almost remembered the name and would like to get the trust they deserve. You can make a mistake in stress or vowel length, as is the case with names. Alicia and Andrea... If you do not dare to voice an approximate version, try to concoct a funny nickname from the part of the name in which you are sure. For example try Sri man instead of Shrivastava and Lady A- instead of Alicia... You can use the surname (although with anthroponyms like Srivastava Megavasartavi it obviously won't work).

You blurted out to a friend "nice to meet you"

Realizing that your previous encounters have not affected a single neuron in your brain, the person may be offended. To avoid the problem, instead of "Nice to meet you!" every time say "Glad to see you!" - even if it seems to you that this is the first meeting. If you have already blurted out "Very nice!" and noticed that all the color disappeared from the face of the offended interlocutor, try to rehabilitate yourself by continuing the phrase: "It's very nice ... to meet you here!" Such a turn suggests that you have already met in general, but in this situation - for the first time. Support your excuse by explaining why this place is so special. For example: "It's a pleasure to meet you here ... at a party where we can finally relax and chat." Or like this: "It is very nice to meet you here, in the technopark, where we can see how our country works!"

decoy duck

Complain to the interlocutor that you cannot remember the name of one of those present. Would he be so kind as to help you out by performing a dating ritual all over your uniform? Your task is to hear how the person will pronounce his name. By the way, asking for a pseudo-continuation will also bring you extra points for your "soul friend".

5. You missed the definition of gender / status

Pregnancy- such a wonderful and life-affirming state that even busy strangers are tempted to stop and acknowledge this fact. Well-meaning questions like “Is this the first?” Tend to elicit a smile in return and a cheerful - though not overly original - response.

Unless the person who asked the question mistook body fat for the fetus.

Let me remind you that the fruit is a source of pride and a living symbol of maternal love. But body fat is a source of shame.

And if their volume is so large that it creates the appearance of pregnancy, then it is also a symbol of the nightly gorging on ice cream and unused subscriptions to the fitness club.



What follows from this? Never rush to classify people in one category or another until they themselves start talking about it. An elderly man holding a teenage girl's hand may not be a grandfather at all. The stocky, short-haired loader may be peeing while sitting down and ask his boyfriend to brush your face if you say otherwise. And two slender men holding hands may well be brothers, Siamese twins, well, or Italians.

If the damage has already been done, you can always try one of the following tactics.


Andy Robin, Cavet Gregg

How to get out of the water dry. The art of getting out of the most awkward situations in life

Andy Robin, Gregg Kavet

SAVING FACE: How to Lie, Fake, and Maneuver Your Way

Out of Life \ "s Most Awkward Situations

Originally published by Gallery Books, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc.

Text copyright © 2005 by Andy Robin and Gregg Kavet

Illustrations copyright © 2005 by Mike Pisiak

© Petrenko A., translation into Russian, 2012

© Design. LLC "Publishing house" Eksmo ", 2012

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet and corporate networks, for private and public use without the written permission of the copyright holder.

© The electronic version of the book was prepared by Litres (www.litres.ru)

If the book you purchased does not have a cover, be aware that the copy is stolen. In the publisher's reports, it appears as "unsold and destroyed", and neither the author nor the publisher received any profit from the sale of the "naked" book.

This book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, places, events and incidents are either invented by the author or used in a fictional context. Any coincidence with real persons, both living and deceased, events or places is accidental.

We thank Trisia Bochkowski of Simon Spotlight Entertainment for the idea of ​​the project; to our editor, Patrick Price, for improving it, as well as to everyone who helped us out of awkward situations until we learned it ourselves: Linsdy, Anna, Roxanne, Peter, Jackson, and Kirsten Larson.

Foreword

Awkwardness like pornography difficult to define, but easy to recognize: cold sweat, stupor and the feeling that everyone is looking at you.

Ask anyone to list the ten worst moments in their life. Most likely, you will be named bereavement and a couple of bouts of illness or severe pain, but there is a good chance that nasty, annoying, terrifying awkwardness will be among the remaining seven or eight.

All our lives we have tried to avoid awkward situations, but ... again and again we find ourselves in them. We get screwed up, don't know what to do, and in the end we say and do things that only make things worse.

The problem is that we were not taught this. No one has ever systematically researched awkward moments or come up with easy ways to deal with them.

Nobody except us.

We have tried thousands of remedies from our own experience that can help in such situations. Most of them turned out to be completely untenable. We were slapped in the face, yelled at and sued, expelled from everywhere. We lost our jobs, drifted away from our relatives, and ruined our sex lives. And all for your sake, dear reader.

But some methods did work. On the pages of our book, you will find specific recommendations on how to get out of all sorts of unpleasant situations. How do you greet someone whose name you can't remember? How to evade responsibility by clogging up the toilet of your wife's parents? How to break up an affair with a colleague? How to return the car with the burned out engine to the neighbors?

So, although awkward situations are waiting for you literally everywhere, you will no longer have a reason to hide at home, like some clean-shaven Ted Kaczynski. Come out, communicate, work, live, desire and love. But always keep this book close at hand. Because you never know in advance at what point a situation might ... hmm ... turn into awkward.

Introduction: our arsenal

The techniques described in the book Suitable for anyone, from a simpleton with a damaged brain to an unbridled genius.

However, all readers will find it useful to master some of the techniques and then combine them into a system that we call "our arsenal."

Our arsenal

Lies should become your good friend. You will have to lie over and over again, in small and big ways. Practice the art of lying.

Lie so that they believe you. If there is anything worse than not lying at all, it is unconvincing to lie.

Modern telecommunication equipment

Since the telephone relieves us of personal confrontation, we will actively resort to its help throughout the book. But to maximize its capabilities, you will need to put at your service a variety of modern gadgets: an answering machine, voice mail, caller ID, forwarding, waiting and selective call blocking, as well as the multifunctional STAR 69 system.

Andy Robin, Cavet Gregg

How to get out of the water dry. The art of getting out of the most awkward situations in life

Andy Robin, Gregg Kavet

SAVING FACE: How to Lie, Fake, and Maneuver Your Way

Out of Life \ "s Most Awkward Situations

Originally published by Gallery Books, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc.

Text copyright © 2005 by Andy Robin and Gregg Kavet

Illustrations copyright © 2005 by Mike Pisiak

© Petrenko A., translation into Russian, 2012

© Design. LLC "Publishing house" Eksmo ", 2012

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic version of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet and corporate networks, for private and public use without the written permission of the copyright holder.

© The electronic version of the book was prepared by Litres (www.litres.ru)

If the book you purchased does not have a cover, be aware that the copy is stolen. In the publisher's reports, it appears as "unsold and destroyed", and neither the author nor the publisher received any profit from the sale of the "naked" book.

This book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, places, events and incidents are either invented by the author or used in a fictional context. Any coincidence with real persons, both living and deceased, events or places is accidental.

We thank Trisia Bochkowski of Simon Spotlight Entertainment for the idea of ​​the project; to our editor, Patrick Price, for improving it, as well as to everyone who helped us out of awkward situations until we learned it ourselves: Linsdy, Anna, Roxanne, Peter, Jackson, and Kirsten Larson.

Foreword

Awkwardness like pornography difficult to define, but easy to recognize: cold sweat, stupor and the feeling that everyone is looking at you.

Ask anyone to list the ten worst moments in their life. Most likely, you will be named bereavement and a couple of bouts of illness or severe pain, but there is a good chance that nasty, annoying, terrifying awkwardness will be among the remaining seven or eight.

All our lives we have tried to avoid awkward situations, but ... again and again we find ourselves in them. We get screwed up, don't know what to do, and in the end we say and do things that only make things worse.

The problem is that we were not taught this. No one has ever systematically researched awkward moments or come up with easy ways to deal with them.

Nobody except us.

We have tried thousands of remedies from our own experience that can help in such situations. Most of them turned out to be completely untenable. We were slapped in the face, yelled at and sued, expelled from everywhere. We lost our jobs, drifted away from our relatives, and ruined our sex lives. And all for your sake, dear reader.

But some methods did work. On the pages of our book, you will find specific recommendations on how to get out of all sorts of unpleasant situations. How do you greet someone whose name you can't remember? How to evade responsibility by clogging up the toilet of your wife's parents? How to break up an affair with a colleague? How to return the car with the burned out engine to the neighbors?

So, although awkward situations are waiting for you literally everywhere, you will no longer have a reason to hide at home, like some clean-shaven Ted Kaczynski. Come out, communicate, work, live, desire and love. But always keep this book close at hand. Because you never know in advance at what point a situation might ... hmm ... turn into awkward.

Introduction: our arsenal

The techniques described in the book Suitable for anyone, from a simpleton with a damaged brain to an unbridled genius.

However, all readers will find it useful to master some of the techniques and then combine them into a system that we call "our arsenal."

Our arsenal

Lies should become your good friend. You will have to lie over and over again, in small and big ways. Practice the art of lying.

Lie so that they believe you. If there is anything worse than not lying at all, it is unconvincing to lie.

Modern telecommunication equipment

Since the telephone relieves us of personal confrontation, we will actively resort to its help throughout the book. But to maximize its capabilities, you will need to put at your service a variety of modern gadgets: an answering machine, voice mail, caller ID, forwarding, waiting and selective call blocking, as well as the multifunctional STAR 69 system.

Study your phone's capabilities carefully. What is the maximum number of messages his voice mailbox can store? What is the connection code of the "anti-identifier"? In what places does your phone usually not pick up so that at the right moment you can be successfully "disconnected"?

Dejected look

Let this be your default facial expression. A dejected appearance encourages people to forgive you for a lot of tactless or deadly stupid actions. Practice this facial expression in front of the mirror. One of these thoughts will help you tune in the right mood: your mother has just died; you have already delayed the delivery of a large project for a week; you are terminally ill. Situations like this cause the very inner anguish that usually excuses irresponsible actions.

Lack of money

Money is a great thing. But for our purposes, lack of money is more useful. Well, or at least its visibility. Citing a lack of money, you can bring down prices for services, fire the housekeeper or kick out workers, save money on a gift and cancel the agreement. To be more convincing, often complain about emergency expenses that have recently befallen you. You lost your case in court. Your child has thrombophlebitis and needs treatment. Your car is caught in a sinkhole. You need to open, reconstruct and replace the foundation of the house.

Scapegoats

Nothing relieves us of responsibility faster than having someone to blame, be it a secretary, assistant, wife, or husband. They don't even have to really exist - the main thing is that they are to blame. Set the stage in advance by complaining about the scapegoat: “I have the worst secretary ever! I need to find someone else. By the way, don't you have a decent secretary in mind? " For more extreme cases, consider an identical twin.

So we have completed our arsenal. Keep it clean, tidy and alert. You will need it soon.

1. Unlucky hour: how to survive at parties and other gatherings

God himself commanded begin our book with an exploration of the party, a planned sequence of ridiculous rituals designed specifically to confuse and embarrass all invitees through a barbaric culling of antisocial elements. Arrivals and departures, greetings and goodbyes, gifts, food, conversation and appearance are all governed by a myriad of unwritten laws. It is worth a little blunder, and the destructive gaze of the rest of the guests will immediately rush at you, crushing your ego and responding in your soul with painful waves of shame.

If you're hoping to survive the party, your only recourse is to learn our tips well. Learn the rules, practice tricks and visualize the ways of deliverance now, without waiting for your "moment of truth" one beautiful holiday evening many months later.

1. You are dressed too or not formally enough

Thinking about what to wear a person spends an average of 5 minutes a day. But when we are going to a party, this time increases to five hours.

Sometimes there are prompts in the invitations, alas, as a rule, very vague and misleading. Collocation evening toilets stands for: “We are having a party. Don't come naked. " Relaxed evening style means "dress like a schizophrenic." Black tie, get creative Is the trickiest of all clues. Where is your name being called to a Republican fundraiser or a gay pride parade?

But no matter what is included in the invitation, most likely you will still miss and look either a puffed-up snob, or, conversely, a slovenly simpleton. And the only question is how to justify its appearance in this form.

explain where you came from

Tell people you just got home from work. If you are dressed too pretentious, then you are a big boss. If your outfit does not fit, you are a creative person: musician, sculptor, Richard Branson, and so on.

explain where you are going If those in attendance know who you really are, refer to where you go after the event: a pool party, a debutante ball, a scavenger hunt, or a Grammy ceremony.

Come out dry from water

In ancient times, many peoples had the custom of testing the accused of a crime or witchcraft with water. The suspect was thrown into a river or lake. If he did not drown, that is, the water did not accept him, he was considered a criminal and was tried. If he was drowning, then they believed that this person was not guilty of a crime, she was slandered, therefore, she died in vain. Those who were lucky enough to avoid death were said to have come out dry from the water. Now this expression is used in relation to those who managed to avoid big trouble.

Wash dirty linen in public

The ancient Slavs believed that litter from the hut should be burned, and not thrown away, because evil people can use it for witchcraft. But ashes from a stove or coal were often tied in a knot and thrown onto the roads. It was a talisman against diseases. In a figurative sense, to wash dirty linen in public means to divulge, bring family disputes, misunderstandings, secrets to the human court.

Drink the bitter cup

The image of the bitter cup is of biblical origin. The Gospels record the prophetic words of Jesus Christ that he will have to drink the bitter cup of suffering and die on the cross for sins. They use this expression in the meaning: to endure all the trials, troubles, to complete a difficult task.

Release the spirit (genie) from the bottle

In one of the stories that for a thousand and one nights Scheherazade told the Persian king - "The Tale of the Fisherman" - it was about how one day a man pulled a bottle out of the sea. When he tore off the cork with a knife, smoke suddenly came out of the bottle, which became a spirit with its head in the clouds, and its feet on the ground. It was a threatening surprise caused by negligence. It is in this sense that the phraseological unit “let the spirit out of the bottle” is used.

Extract from the swamp

For a long time, the Slavs considered the swamp to be a dangerous place where evil spirits are found. They associated the formation of swamps with the devil: where he spat, there a swamp arose. This connection is also expressed in the sayings: "There would be a swamp, but there will be devils", "There are devils in a still whirlpool", "And the devil does not have a lot of money, but he sits in a swamp." There was a custom to throw "unclean" things (old broom, clothes of the deceased) and garbage collected during Christmastide (Christmas holidays) into the swamp.

Swamp, mud, mud, mud, silt, puddle - these synonyms mean something nasty, slippery, unsightly, unclean, which you want to quickly get rid of or avoid. In this regard, a lot of phraseological units arose associated with the word "swamp": "throw mud", "throw mud" - it is unfair to accuse someone of something, to slander, dishonor, dishonor; "do not hit your face in the dirt" - show yourself from your best side, do not disgrace yourself. The phraseological expression "to pull out of the swamp" means to help someone get out of a humiliating situation or get rid of poverty.

Shelve

The expression originated in Russia. Moscow Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich replaced custom receiving petitions (requests). In addition, they were laid in the Archangel Cathedral on the tomb of the king of the ancestors. And the tsar ordered to nail a long box for petitions at the gates of his palace in the village of Kolomenskoye. The tsarist chancellery was in no hurry to consider the affairs of the common people. So, the petitioners often did not have an answer to their requests, and if some did receive it, then they had to wait too long. The state spread the sad fame of the tsar's "back box". This is how the phraseological unit “to postpone” arose, which means to postpone a question for an indefinite period.

Discover America

In 1492 Genoese navigator Christopher Columbus accidentally discovered the American continent in search of a way to India. His fame as a pioneer could not be shaken even by careful explorers of these new lands. The expression "discover America" ​​ironically characterizes the phenomenon everyone has known for a long time, which is passed off as something new, is extremely important.