Any little thing can be the cause of misunderstanding between the older and younger generations, but sometimes serious circumstances arise. In any case, it is necessary to correctly assess the situation, convey your position to the opposite side, and listen to their arguments.

Why do parents get into conflict?

Most problems in relationships arise from inhibitions. Older generation limits the younger in desires, actions and means. Having more experience, they understand that the actions of young people are not promising, unrealistic, or even dangerous to life and health. Of course, both sides can make mistakes, but you need to understand that experience is a lot.

If parents do not consent to something, you need to analyze why this is happening. It may seem like they are doing this out of spite, but in reality there are more compelling reasons. For example, they understand that some actions are dangerous. Sometimes they realize that they will waste energy and money, and that they will not be able to achieve something, and sometimes they foresee trouble. Imagine yourself in their place, analyze what drives them. Find out what fears or limitations are pushing them into conflict.

You can ask mom and dad to explain to you the reason for their dissatisfaction, but be prepared to listen to them calmly and not start yelling or getting offended. Usually they are ready to provide a detailed answer, but not every child can hear and understand it. But it is this knowledge that helps to reach a compromise.

How to resolve a conflict

The very first and most effective way to eliminate conflict is to admit that you were wrong. Even if you don't think so, say it out loud anyway. Sometimes it will even be appropriate to apologize if you said too much earlier. Such actions will force adults to listen to your arguments. And start explaining to them reasonably what you want, why you are not fulfilling their demands, and what results you expect. If the conflict is due to lack of cleaning, then you simply will not be able to find reasons that will justify you, and admitting it, you will have to keep order. If you want to go somewhere, but they don’t let you go, you will need to tell them what the trip is, who it’s with, and what guarantees your safety.

Since you know the parents’ complaints, you have heard them, all your words will be aimed at reducing their anxiety and anxiety. Find justification for all their fears. Be convincing and don't raise your voice. Talk about how resolving this issue affects your self-esteem, your success in life, and your relationships with friends. But don’t push for pity, but state the facts.

Calm and reasonable conversation is a sign of adult communication. Parents will see that you are capable of such communication, that you can be responsible for your words, that you control your behavior, and this will help resolve the issue.

Reader question:

Good afternoon My conflict with my parents has not stopped for 12 years now: from the moment I left my hometown to study in Moscow.

It all started at 17, when, having started an isolated life away from home, I began to become independent. Any trifle caused problems and quarrels: the wrong clothes or hairstyle, the condition of the skin, the presence or absence of a manicure. My mother was also offended that I did not share my experiences with her. When I shared them, over time, these same shared experiences were blamed on me.

Gradually I moved away. There was even a period when, to my greatest shame, I felt nothing towards my parents. And they beat into my closed heart and could not reach it either with tears or threats. I must say that for the first time I heard “if you..., then you no longer have parents,” at 19, when we, in full uniform, were traveling in a train on a several-day hike with classmates. I could not refuse the trip, and I considered the trip to be a greatly exaggerated reason for such measures. Upon returning there were lengthy telephone conversations with mutual accusations.

Subsequently, such words began to be spoken more often. The reasons remained trivial. I couldn’t give my friend temporary shelter in the room I was renting (until she found a new apartment), I couldn’t communicate with her because she had a bad influence on me. Then it became impossible to invite my college friends’ family to stay for a week to see if they could live in my city and work in Moscow, because my dad and mom were against my turning the apartment into a dormitory. My mother did not like both my friend and my family of friends: indeed, after communicating with them, the desire to live and create awakens in me.

When I first got married against my parents’ will, I, unfortunately, listened to my mother’s advice and thereby destroyed my family. My divorce was met with joy and a rejuvenated mother. Unfortunately, the young people I dated always liked my mother at first, but the clearer the seriousness of their intentions became, the less sympathy my gentleman aroused.

Now I'm married. A little less than a year. I met my husband thanks to my mother’s insistence to register on the site. When we met our parents, we announced our desire not to celebrate the wedding, but simply to sign the wedding. And to gather relatives for the wedding. Initially, nothing was said against it. But for the wedding we were literally forced to do something different: invite our parents to the painting, because it was important to them. My husband did not make a concession and from that moment the conflict entered another circle. We were asked to postpone the wedding, we postponed it. But we signed as planned.

With this conflict, I went to the priest for advice. I was advised to reduce communication. We managed to fulfill it only recently - we didn’t communicate for almost 2 weeks. Honestly, these weeks were so calm that I was amazed. Recently it turned out that my parents expected these weeks to be a lesson and punishment for my misbehavior. But I don’t have anything like that.

All my thoughts are occupied with finding a solution to the conflict. My husband feels like a useless appendage to my relationship with my parents. and is upset that I don’t listen to the advice of either my father or him. He gave up somehow trying to get me out of this quagmire. And he’s right in many ways - I have no idea how to be a wife. I can’t either grow up or come to terms with it. The problem exhausted me to the extreme. I feel that even though I don’t listen to my mother and don’t let her into my family, my family is like an abandoned boat... I can’t just forget about my parents and call once a month. I love dad very much. I am tormented by my conscience for hurting my parents and causing them to shed tears. And I can’t switch to building my family either. I am very afraid of destroying everything that the Lord has given me. I am reading the Gospel about parents. But I can’t cope with the situation... Help, please! Maybe I need a psychologist or psychotherapist?

Psychologist's answer:

Daria, hello!

Thanks for the detailed description of the situation.
I’ll answer your question right away - you really need to go to a psychologist and as soon as possible, here’s why:

Your relationship with your parents is not just a protracted conflict. These are so-called codependent relationships - the emotional dependence of some family members on others.

In such a situation, any trifle can really become a problem, especially if it somehow indicates an attempt to separate, become independent, or oppose something to the opinion of the parents. They will hold you back by any means, and you described it perfectly. The good news is that this is a fairly common problem and there are proven solutions to it. And the solution to this issue depends on you - you cannot control a person without his consent (conscious or unconscious). But there are several types of codependent behavior, and it can have different roots. Any participant in such interaction receives his psychological benefits, even the “victim”. In order to highlight these and other difficulties, find ways out of them in a specific situation, and learn to find resources, you need the help of a qualified psychologist.

Codependency is not a spiritual problem, but a psychological one. Therefore, in addition to reading the Gospel about parents, other actions are also necessary here.

You need to remember an important thing: your family (you and your spouse, then your children) is only your family. Neither parents, nor friends, nor anyone else should have unconditional access to it. The Bible says: “A man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife...” (Genesis 2:24). This does not mean that you need to build a solid fence and stay there alone, calling your parents once a month. There should be a fence, but with a gate that you open at will. The less details about your internal family life known by others, incl. parents, the less leverage they have over you. You have the right to talk about your life exactly as much as you see fit. In your particular case, this is very important, because, judging by what you describe, your parents are making active attempts to manage your personal and family life.

I will briefly touch on the period when you felt nothing towards your parents, for which you are painfully ashamed. You talk about very typical things: parents tried to get through, with tears or threats (apparently they are still trying). This is not really a way to interact. This is a way to achieve what you want by any means, in other words, it is manipulation. Children do the same thing - they act up or fight when they don’t get what they want.

Despite the fact that in our society emotions are not given due importance, in reality they are an excellent “marker” of what is happening to us and it is very important to be able to listen to them (another reason to contact a psychologist). Emotions pose the so-called “meaning problem”: why in this situation do I feel this way when I should feel this? You felt nothing for your parents, despite the tears and threats. What does this tell you?

Notice the contradictions in your feelings: you cannot call once a month, you are very ashamed of this, but you felt good and calm when you did not communicate with them for half a month. Here we encounter another characteristic feature codependent relationships - neurotic feelings of guilt. It differs from the real voice of conscience in that it appears when there are no real reasons. In codependent relationships, a neurotic feeling of guilt is almost always present.

Dear Daria, I can imagine how difficult it is for you now. I am sure that parents “don’t know what they are doing” and do so with the best intentions. However, the situation is such that it cannot be resolved with advice and complaints alone; you need long-term and serious work on yourself. Remember that the more difficult the path, the more valuable the reward awaits you.

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