We hope that when you study them in more detail, you will begin to understand much better who is who in the world around you.
“A blow to the nose is straightforward, obviously, and heals quickly. But a blow to your self-esteem in the right way and at the right time can cripple you to death. "
~ Jay Carter, Ph.D.
All of us have had occasion to encounter people who want to somehow mock us, humiliate us and destroy our self-esteem. And it is not so important where you come across them - at work, at home, or in a circle of acquaintances. There will certainly be at least one person near us who treats us much worse than we deserve.
And worst of all, they downgrade our assessment in such subtle and non-obvious ways that other people are far from always able to notice it. And if we try to explain how we feel, our tormentors will easily change everything in their own way, making us overly sensitive, selfish and prone to hasty judgments, turning us from victims to offenders.
Hopefully, as you study them in more detail, you will begin to understand much better who is who in the world around you:
1. They make you insecure.
One of the methods of vile people is to keep you insecure all the time. You never know when they will explode or do something that will piss you off.
For example, it may seem to you that you have reached an understanding, you have common topics for fun, and you've basically started to trust this person. And now, when everything has been going this way for some time, suddenly a nasty person does something that crosses out everything that was before, and again plunges you into a state of uncertainty and uncertainty.
You never know exactly how to feel about this person, and therefore create emotional crutches for yourself, convincing yourself that you still like him.
2. They like to project their feelings onto you.
The projection of feelings can be explained very simply: it is when a person takes their feelings as a basis, but puts responsibility for them on you. For example, a person who dislikes you may say to you, "I don't think you like me."
They frame you in their projection, forcing you to explain and make excuses to them. And instead of thinking about the intentions of vile people, you start to doubt your own feelings.
3. They often try to manipulate you.
Manipulators seek power. Nasty people want to feel superior to you, and often - and make you think that you owe something to them. This behavior is common among politicians and managers.
For example, if you are asked to work overtime and you already have plans for the evening, your boss may try to convince you that work is more important than your plans.
And if you recall those evenings that you worked overtime before, he, most likely, will try to turn everything in such a way that, supposedly, you called on them yourself, or worked out some kind of "service" of the boss.
4. They always try to impose their opinions on others.
Nasty people like to label people around them and then act like everyone agrees with them. For example, by saying “you are irresponsible,” this person takes it for granted that you are that kind of person, and everyone around will agree with this characteristic.
Nasty people label you because they subconsciously try to smash your self-esteem into tiny crumbs instead of helping you deal with the real problem (if present). To help cope with a problem means to take on a part of the responsibility, and nasty people are not ready to do this.
5. Even when they tell the truth, they generalize and inflate it.
Beware of generalizations. Vile people often use generalizations to make an elephant out of a fly. For example, if you forgot to clean the apartment, the nasty person might say, “You never help me” (translation: You forgot to clean the apartment), or “You are of no use” (translation: You forgot to clean the apartment).
Again, instead of tackling the real problem, they hit your self-esteem. The problem is that the apartment is dirty, not that you are useless or not helping.
6. They strike sneakily
“I don’t want to upset you, but ...” (Most likely, they will upset you with something now). “I don’t want to interrupt you, but ...” (But I already interrupted!).
Typically, vile people who are about to sneak a blow at you speak in a soft, sympathetic voice. Their faces show sympathy. They may seem the sweetest people - only in the second hand they squeeze a dagger behind their back.
7. They put double meanings into words.
The double meaning usually manifests itself in phrases, the words of which say one thing, and the tone - quite another. For example, nasty people may ask you in a mocking tone: "Well, how are you?" And if you answer, as you most likely want, "Get out!" business for you.
Vile people are great masters of double bottom phrases. They may even seem harmless to observers, but you immediately feel how they hit right on target.
8. They like to cut off conversations.
Another valuable tool of a vile person is to cut off a conversation in mid-sentence. If he asks you to tell something about yourself, rest assured that he will cut you off before you finish answering.
And their questions are often tricky. If you are asked something like “Have you stopped drinking cognac in the morning?”, You should know that there is simply no correct answer to this question. The vile person may even cut off the dialogue with you in the middle, leaving you alone with a bunch of unspoken thoughts.
9. They lift you to the top, and then chop off your wings
But when you really need help, the nasty person will gently and unobtrusively switch your attention to your own negative traits. So he can chop off your wings to give you enough own feeling excellence and instill in you the confidence that you need it.
10. They're using double bullshit on you
"Double nonsense" is the most vile of all their techniques, because with it you will harm yourself if you agree with them, and if you resist. For example, if you enroll in self-esteem courses, your significant other may become jealous of you or believe that your increased self-esteem is something that threatens her. And as a result, you are faced with an ultimatum: "Either I, or your courses."
Of course, you are not going to give up established personal relationships for the sake of courses - but by doing so you deprive yourself of the slightest chance to make the slightest positive changes in your own life.
How to avoid the influence of vile people
Now, having learned about 10 methods by which vile people ruin your life, you not only have a much better idea of how to resist them, but you also better understand the vile people themselves and their intentions.
No wonder they say that knowledge is power. And even if we may not be able to avoid some of the people in our lives, we can at least avoid their pitfalls.
And after all, all that is needed for this is to pay more attention to the behavior of the people around us, and to behave with them more confidently and assertively.
What it looks like: You are being convinced that you thought you had false memories of hurt feelings, or that you were hallucinating. This is done in order to sow doubts in yourself. Then you will be a toy in the hands of a manipulator.
What to do: keep a diary, where to record oddities and visit a psychologist. When you catch a hot gaslighter, leave. These people are not treated.
PROJECTION
What it looks like: a person blames you and others for what he himself is inclined to. A liar is a lie. The rude guy is nagging and so on. Man considers himself an innocent angel.
What to do: Don't listen, don't express sympathy. Do not support conversations on these topics. In severe cases, leave the person.
Senseless talking about nothing
What it looks like: You are being pulled into a conversation that is of no use. "But if all women were given the opportunity to kill children, what would the world look like?" The challenge is to make you a listener of narcissism.
What to do: just don't participate. Exactly from the moment you stop understanding why you need it?
GENERALIZATIONS
What it looks like: keywords “everything, always, constantly”, etc. “You are always gloomy”, “all men are goats”, “you are constantly nervous”. Any special case is being built into the system.
What to do: Don't keep up the conversation. Ask the question: "What problem are we solving now, specifically?" If there is no answer, leave the topic.
What it looks like: your words are misinterpreted and brought to the point of absurdity. The phrase: "the cookies are burnt" is interpreted as "Oh, don't you love your mother-in-law?"
What to do: Guilt is expected of you. Don't take it. Leave the conversation, warning that you will not discuss inventions.
Nagging
What it looks like: You will never be good enough to love you. Yes, the house is cleaned, but you come home late from work.
What to do: have your own personal opinion... You will not get approval here, no matter how you jumped for this carrot. Solution: “Don't like it? Do it better, but by yourself. I will not strive for an ideal. "
CHANGE OF TOPIC TO AVOID QUESTIONS
What it looks like: "It doesn't matter now, you'd better think about this."
What to do: “We are either discussing this or we are not discussing anything. It is important".
HIDDEN THREATS
How does it look like: "Do you understand how this will end for you?"
What to do: "No, tell me straight." If they shy away from a direct answer, say it yourself: “You will stop giving money to children, did I understand correctly? Ok, I'll take this into account right now and take action. "
ABOUT AND CALLING ABOUT
What it looks like: you are reprimanded with the last words, so that you are confused.
What to do: "I will not allow you to communicate with me in such a tone," and immediately interrupt the conversation. Leave the house, hang up, interrupt decisively.
TOXIC DISAPPOINTMENT
What it looks like: you are gradually explained that you are a nonentity, your merits are ridiculous, and the only benefit from you is to serve a toxic person. "Well, at least you can cook, but you are no singer."
What to do: Break off the relationship at the first attempt to devalue you. There is no cure, the poison will be injected into you drop by drop for many weeks until you feel like a complete insignificance.
LIES AND GOALS ABOUT YOU BEYOND YOU
What it looks like: there will be no direct conflict. It's just that people will gradually begin to shun you, after listening to gossip.
What to do: Find out the source. “Who said that about me? - M-mm, everyone says. - In chorus? Who said first? Why doesn't he tell me this to my face? " Then openly bring the gossip to clean water, with noise, publicity and public exposure. This is what they are afraid of.
LOVE AND SHARP DISAPPOINTMENT
What it looks like: you are surrounded by adoration, so that then you can suddenly start criticizing when you are in seventh heaven. Such a drop breaks self-esteem and you try to curry favor with the one who adored.
What to do: Ask the person about their past relationships and coworkers. If you hear something like "they are full of nothingness" - do not believe any more praise from this person.
"YOU CAN TRUST ME"
What it looks like: they actively tell you what a good person you are in front of, how you can rely on him and in general.
What to do: do not believe the words. Believe deeds. Inquire about it. Self-praise is generally a wake-up call. Good people usually don't need to do self-presentations, they already know they are good.
THIRD WHEEL
What it looks like: They tell you that you are bad and lead to a reinforcement of the third party argument. "My sister thinks so too."
What to do: do not believe. You are being lied to or a third person has been turned against you. Then talk to a third person in private, and explain to the manipulator that you cannot be overwhelmed with a mass of opinions. "What do YOU want from me, not a sister?"
INNOCENT BOOTING THAT DEGREES YOU
What it looks like: they say nasty things to you as if jokingly and laughing. The challenge is to make you insecure.
What to do: Take your time to answer immediately. Think for a few seconds, then clearly state that you never want to hear this about yourself again. Get out of communication if this happens again.
FALSE EXCUSE AND PROMISES
What it looks like: they repent in front of you and ask you to forgive.
What to do: believe not in words, but in deeds. Don't forgive until you are convinced that the person has actively stopped doing what they apologized for.
CORRECT JOKES, OPEN AGGRESSION
What it looks like: evil laughs at you and with pleasure.
What to do: respond with icy aggression, without raising your voice strongly, but threateningly and prohibit such behavior. If there is no reaction, leave.
Downright jokes
What it looks like: you are kind of patted on the shoulder.
What to do: “Where did you get the idea that you have the right to talk to me like that, huh? Come to your senses, you are not my parent "
JUDGMENT
What it looks like: You are reminded of past mistakes or sins to make you guilty and obedient.
What to do: Don't open up with people you suspect of toxicity. To suppress such attempts with a firm: "This is only my business, not yours."
CONTROL
What it looks like: They ask you to report on expenses, your time, your friends and your feelings, etc.
What to do: having noticed a tendency, raise the question as harshly as possible: “Why do you consider yourself entitled to demand that I be accountable for this? I am an adult, and I manage on my own, without control. "
It's sad to realize that people are talking about you behind their backs. Since this kind of gossip spreads quickly, it is difficult to find the source of the gossip. It is for this reason that, most likely, you will only ruin the situation by trying to resist people who spread rumors about you. The best tactic in this case is ignoring. Plus, you can try to become more positive and change your view of gossip.
Steps
How to work with people who gossip
- Be kind, but don't get close to gossipers. Don't tell them personal things that might become another topic of gossip in the future.
-
Think about the gossiper's motives. If your friend or acquaintance started spreading rumors about you, most likely he had his own reasons for this. Most good friends would not spread negative rumors about you that would upset you. If your friend just became a participant in these rumors, try to find out why he did it, and also think about how he could react to these rumors.
- You can ask the following questions: "How did you know what was going on?" or "What did you say spreading this rumor?" You can simply ask, "Why are you telling me this?" Answering these questions will help you understand the gossiper's motives.
- You don't have to end your relationship with the gossip. But it would be wise to communicate with this person more accurately. Most likely, this person is not as innocent as he tries to seem. Perhaps he spreads the gossip himself, rather than trying to stop them.
-
Don't gossip. You already know how unpleasant it is when people talk about you behind your back. But if you are not trying to stop it, you can assume that you, too, are to blame for the situation. Some people just enjoy discussing other people's personal lives, but remember that they cannot do this if they do not have listeners (that is, people who share their opinion).
Talk to someone with authority. If gossip interferes with your work or study, you will need to resolve this issue at the administration level. In this case, a teacher or supervisor will help to deal with this problem.
Don't do anything. You may be tempted to confront the person who is gossiping about you, in which case the best response to their actions is to ignore their gossip. Just think, because this person will not be able to say these words to your face. Therefore, you should not give him new topics for gossip. Just stop this vicious circle by completely ignoring the gossip.
Treat gossipers with kindness. Another way to respond to gossip is to cultivate a kind attitude towards people. Gossipers will be confused and perplexed that you treat them so well despite the fact that they gossip about you. Plus, if you're optimistic about everything, gossipers may feel guilty about what they said behind your back.
Set limits on gossip. If you have to spend a lot of time with people who talk about you behind your back, try to keep your distance from them. Remember, you don't have to be friends with them just because you have to work together.
How to change gossip about yourself
Don't take gossip personally. You can easily run into people who talk about you behind your back, but remember that their words speak more about themselves, not about you. You have no control over what others say about you. But you can control how you react to their words. Treat gossip like extraneous information. Don't be a victim of other people's problems.
Understand that people may just be jealous of you. It may not look like this, but people may say bad things about you because someone is bullying them. A person may be jealous of your life, your skills and abilities, popularity. Their nasty and mean words may just be a way to hurt you.
Low self-esteem. Another gossip feature is low self-esteem... People who talk badly about you may do it on purpose to assert themselves. Perhaps the person who goesssip about you constantly feels insignificant, most likely, he has low self-esteem. As a result, this person starts talking bad things about others.
It's terribly unpleasant when people say nasty things to us. Resentment, resentment, anger and other negative feelings arise inside and grow by leaps and bounds. And now they are already overwhelmed so that thoughts get confused and the mind becomes clouded. In actions, you can cross the threshold of adequacy.
Have you ever faced such a situation when people say all sorts of nasty things about you? If you have to, then this article is for you. With the help of Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology, we will consider what people say nasty things and why.
Say nasty things - is to express dislike
I remember one story from my childhood.I was in the first grade. And on the way to school I always met two girls.They studied in a parallel class, were friends. And we always went to school together. And I walked alone. They always yelled at me some kind of teaser and laughed out loud. It seems that nothing dangerous happened to me. But I felt for them hatred... I still remember the feeling fear and danger... I even dreamed of walking along another road, which, unfortunately, did not exist.
Probably almost everyone can remember a similar story.
Why can children, seemingly innocent creatures, speak disgusting and dislike? When adult men and women say nasty things, this can somehow be explained to yourself. It happens, and there is a reason. But children?
System-vector psychology Yuri Burlan reveals the reasons why people say nasty things.
It was a revelation for me when I learned that hostility has arisen since the time of primitive man, due to the need to restrict food:
“Today's hunting was unsuccessful, we didn’t manage to bring a single mammoth into the cave.
- And what should we do now? How to survive if there is not enough food for everyone?
- Conserve stocks!
“But I’m hungry!” I am still a primitive beast and do not know how to limit my desire for food. I have a desire to eat my neighbor. But according to the laws of the pack, I cannot eat it, because then we will all perish. Therefore, I hate him, but I tolerate my dislike.
In the strongest tension - "I want to but I can not!" - dislike for one's neighbor arises. And in order to preserve himself, primitive man begins to sublimate hostility into socially useful activity.
The more benefit he has brought to his flock, that is, to other people, the more protected he can feel in it. For example, he learned to make a stone ax and became an irreplaceable specialist. Now for the primitive flock it needs to be protected more... This is the survival of the human species. - be helpful to others.
And before today a person increases his value through professional realization in society - from stone ax before spaceship... And the natural dislike with which a child is born is the impetus for his development.
When we see babies in the sandbox, in kindergarten - in terms of their level of development, they do not differ much from primitive man: they fight, push, take toys from each other. Having learned to speak, they begin to call names. The child tries to preserve himself and ensure his rank according to his mental properties.
And only in the process of upbringing is the cultural layer laid, and children learn to empathize, sympathize, sympathize and love. Culture limits dislike. A raised child behaves in a completely different way in a team - he knows how to come to an agreement, stand up for the weak and listen to an adult, respect the feelings of another person. Thus, through culture, humanity develops from a hostile species to a sensual one.
But if it happens that the environment in which the child develops is not able to help him overcome archetypal hostility, to form cultural values, the child grows up malevolent, that is, feeling joy that the other is bad.
Saying nasty things to a person is expressing your dislike. In terms of content, they can be very different - foul language, ridicule, gossip and slander. But the root of all these insults is natural dislike, the desire to "eat" another. V modern world psychologically, of course.
Why do they tell us nasty things
In addition to a lack of cultural education, men or women can say nasty things when they experience frustration - negative states arising from the inability to get what they want or realize themselves in society.
Realization takes place through the filling of natural desires, which for each person make up their own unique composition - a set of vectors.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals to us the eight-dimensional matrix of the general mental, as well as the properties, features and characteristics of each vector. Thanks to this, one can observe and understand what desires motivate a person, how much his properties have developed and how strong his frustrations are.
"I want and do not receive"- this is the strongest internal tension. People who say nasty things in this way release this tension through others.
Moreover, verbal expressions and "special effects" in people with different properties have their own characteristics.
For example, a not very developed and unrealized person with necessarily with good friend"Will wash the bones" to another. Saying nasty things - to stain and criticize in form, being offended - is his favorite pastime: “Look Lenka from the sales department - all in sables and diamonds, and what a frightful, long nose, eyes like a fish, and what do men find in her? I'm sending ... "... Expressions in the form of toilet vocabulary are also characteristic of a person with an anal vector: "What, are your hands growing out of ...?" and the like.
Unrealized people with an oral vector like to say nasty things in the form of gossip, lies and slander. They will definitely come up with a story that everyone will believe in and a feature of which will be a sexy plot: "I saw her with one man, then with another, and he - my friend - told me this about her ..."... An undeveloped person with an oral vector will “decorate” his speech with obscene words.
"Refined" and "refined" nasty things can be said by an unrealized person with a visual vector. As a rule, he evaluates other people according to some intellectual and behavioral patterns that are created by him. Convinced of his superiority, ironically and dismissively speaks out to people who do not meet his criteria for development. Moreover, in words, there can often be nothing offensive. "Sophistication" here lies in intonation, which can be accompanied by rolling eyes, shrugging the shoulders. All this makes communication with such a snob extremely unpleasant.
Whatever properties a person possesses, if he is happy and feels good, he will not feel dislike and say nasty things to other people. Not only words, but also the intonation with which a person speaks is an indicator of his inner state.
Who hurts most when they say nasty things about him
Of course, every person is unpleasant to hear nasty things about themselves from strangers... It is even worse when people from close circle say nasty things - colleagues at work, family members, friends. When we find out about this - wow, how bad it becomes in the soul.
The greatest pain is felt by people with the ano-visual ligament of vectors. Their inner desire is to be good for everyone. They are ready to do something for another just like that, for ordinary human gratitude, it is difficult for them to say “no” to someone. Therefore, work colleagues and relatives often use their reliability and consider it in the order of things.
And what is it like for such a person to hear nasty things say behind his back? Pain and resentment can close his heart to other people for a long time.
What to do if they say nasty things
When we do not know and do not understand the true reasons why men or women can say nasty things, we, of course, suffer a lot. You can and should change your environment and strive to communicate with those who inspire confidence, encouragement and inspiration. But is it always easy to change your environment? After all, people are not a wardrobe that can be changed in one fell swoop: they threw out old things, bought new ones, and it seems new life started.
You can start to sort things out. Defend your honor and dignity, demand an apology. This is correct if there is sufficient mental resource and stress resistance. And you can't put a scarf on every mouth.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan makes it possible to learn calmly and without pain to react to situations when people behind their backs say nasty things, to understand them internal states and true reasons their dislikes. Without blaming and condemnation, it is easy to understand why this is happening, and not to give the expected reaction, which can be harmful, but to make informed and effective decisions for each specific situation.
“... It so happened that my father was always distinguished by excessive irascibility and aggression, which he splashed out on the people around him.
Spontaneously, at the sight of a random passer-by, a man on the street, there was strong discomfort and the reactions I observed - to cry from powerlessness, or aggression and a desire to attack first - both were incredibly difficult to restrain ... "
“… The constant oppressive feeling of anxiety is gone, I always feel balanced and calm, not detached, but calm.
I’ll tell you a secret, I was an outcast at school (to put it mildly), you can imagine what an achievement it is to stop hating and despising people, I begin to reach out to them, to be interested, I know what exactly and to whom I need to say in order to automatically win me over. Communication has become more convenient and comfortable for me and especially for others :)
I feel people that they love, how they live, what can be expected from this or that, who can and who cannot be trusted. I would not want my story to be boring, I will just say: if you have a feeling of anxiety, fear (for yourself and others), depression, apathy, lack of hope for tomorrow, doubts about yourself and your loved ones, irritation, resentment per person that seems impossible to forget - you can handle it. Come to the lecture and you will not regret it. Checked on myself ... "
You can start learning to understand the full depth of a person's mental properties, his desires, how they differ, how they develop and are filled, at the free online lectures "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan's online trainings "System-Vector Psychology"
Chapter:
Help me ... they often say nasty things to me, but I don't know how to answer and I get into a stupor, I understand that I need to say something, but I don’t know ... they’re mocking me because of this ... that I’m make??? Thank you...
A person who speaks nasty is a low soul. Answer the nasty things with kindness, believe me, this is better than the wisest rebuff. Just that kindness is afraid of evil.
They don't take offense at fools, just say so .. or you need to make everyone respect you .. but some individuals do not understand the words .. so they only want to be spanked.
We must not pay attention to these nasty things, then it will make no sense to tell you nasty things. And not only externally, the main thing is internally. Remember, no one can offend us if we do not allow it.
Laugh with a mysterious look
Don't say anything. Stupor is the best solution. You show them that you are above their petty interests. Do not arrange a bazaar! You're just so well-mannered and noble.
And there is another way of aikido. They say to you, for example: "What are you staring at?" And you are so simple: "Staring" Or: "Where are you going?" And you: "Sorry." that is, use the force of the opponent's blow.
And also imagine yourself under an evil transparent cap, from the walls of which everything bad returns to the sender, but in a kind, changed form. The latter always helps me. For serious showdowns, I surround myself with such a dome.
Hi, if, in your opinion, these people envy you or say nasty things to you groundlessly, then there are several options:
1. Ignore.
2. Answer that it is not for this person to judge: "Do not judge and you will not be judged."
3. Ask why this person decided so.
And in no case should you stoop to the level of this person and insult him. People tend to be jealous, make rash actions and quick conclusions, but you are also able to think and understand whether these people are right or not. We cannot be 100% sure that you are not the instigator of the conflict. So, think first, and then answer. Good luck and faith in yourself.
When they tell me unpleasant things, I say to myself: "So what?" Yes, I will not hide it offensively. “Maybe this person just said it with emotion, it boiled over, we need to speak out. Maybe he has a black streak in his life,” and I'll forget. Or "Probably it annoys him that you do something better than him." If I notice that someone does not like something in me (the nature of my behavior) I try to change.
You shouldn't pay attention to such people at all. And so, I think, you need to work on yourself, learn to respond to people. But just not disgusting for disgusting. You need to answer in such a way that they don't expect to hear it. Something like: "Yes, I am such a person. How are you better than me?"
You see a question that was asked to the Universe by one of the users of the site, and the answers to it.
The answer is either people who are very similar to you, or your complete opposites.
Our project was conceived as a way of psychological development and growth, where you can ask for advice from "similar" and learn from "very different" things that you do not know or have not tried.
Do you want to ask the Universe about something important to you?
